Suicide Awareness

I’ll spare the details

As I was getting ready this morning I heard an awful sound outside…sirens. It opened the memory flood gate. The events that led up to that evening are a blur but I remember bits and pieces. I’ll run thru them quickly to spare details.

[Joe calls me concerned about a strange text, we both try to text Zane and call multiple times with no answer. Joe sends his mom over to the house. She calls Joe to tell him my baby is gone. Joe calls me. I’m on the loop. I scream. I floor it. I scream. I turn my flashers on at some point. I scream. I scream. I scream. Carmen calls me to ask where I’m at, I tell her I’m driving. I scream. She tells me to pull over and I refuse. I tell her it’s not true and she tells me he’s gone. I scream. I remember looking at the clock, I got home in twelve minutes from Lubbock. So many cars. Ambulance. Police. Highway patrol cars. Sheriff vehicles. Trucks. Lights. People….

I don’t remember who I came to first I just know they stopped me from going in the door and I don’t recall much after that until about an hour later. Daniel came to me and just held me. He didn’t know what to do any more than I did. Daniel was lost. Daniel was hurt. Daniel lost a piece of him that night too. This is where Daniel’s guilt began. Pastor Amanda sat in a car with me while I cried, yelled, said profanities, called people, curled in a ball, and waited for Joe. I think I had to talk to the sheriff at some point. And to James from the funeral home. Adrianna ran to me asking me if it was true. I had to tell her it was. I did not want to say it was true but I had to. Someone asked me if I wanted to see Zane being taken out or if I wanted to be hidden. I chose hidden. I couldn’t bare to see my baby boy that way. That’s not how it was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be answering that kind of question. I wasn’t. I’m pretty sure I screamed again. Everyone there gathered around the car so I couldn’t see but I curled in a ball anyways. He was taken away. Soon after Joe finally arrived. My poor husband. He looked as bad as I did. Joe just held me as tight as he could. Two parents completely and utterly lost. Heartbroken. Beaten. Angry at God.

Kerri, Julie and Shanna did the unthinkable, what most people would not ever dare do or volunteer to do…they cleaned the living room. This is called love. If you do not have a friend(s) like this, you are missing out. Absolute love. I can never thank them enough for doing that. Ever.

I would never step foot in that living room again. I have never looked that direction. 15 years of good memories have been overshadowed by one horrible memory I’ll never be able to erase.

The days to come were long and never-ending. Sleep was non-existent. Appetites had vanished. That’s an entirely different blog post.

Sirens. The sound of sirens. Emergency lights. The sight of flashing lights. Makes my heart pound and my eyes well up. Brings back the night of July 26th every single time. Always will.

7 thoughts on “I’ll spare the details

  1. Kekkie, I love u to pieces i know you’re still lost in all this and I am too… but really thank u for blogging that. Truly. I’m sorry we had to loose Morgan in that way or any way really but you were very brave that night and the days that followed and still to come. I love you and I’m here if u just need to talk cry or anything… Zanes got all of us taken care of from his home with Elinda . And ps I freak at sirens now too

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie, there just are not words to comfort you. It sucks. It just plain sucks. I know in time it will get a little easier but the pain will always be there. I pray for you and your family every single day. Not just the day I’m doing it. Really really doing it. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so proud of you for having the courage to post this because I know it was tough for you. This blog will be your saving grace for you, I promise. My son in law had a 16 yr old cousin, from Keller, whose sister found Garrett in his closet. He left a note, only to say, I miss Dad, and I have to talk to him. I am sorry Mom but we will see each other again, i never said bye to Dad and I have to. Love G. You both should visit because she has written too. Love you Carrie because your strength has me in awe. C.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Carrie reading this just breaks my heart i couldnt finish because i started crying. I am a mom if two beautiful kids trevor is my heart my love and my baby even tho he is 20 jasmine is my princess and my heart and life i do not know what i do if that happen to me im so so sorry and just know i love u and joe and ill keep praying for u hun love u

    Liked by 1 person

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