I’ll spare the details

As I was getting ready this morning I heard an awful sound outside…sirens. It opened the memory flood gate. The events that led up to that evening are a blur but I remember bits and pieces. I’ll run thru them quickly to spare details.

[Joe calls me concerned about a strange text, we both try to text Zane and call multiple times with no answer. Joe sends his mom over to the house. She calls Joe to tell him my baby is gone. Joe calls me. I’m on the loop. I scream. I floor it. I scream. I turn my flashers on at some point. I scream. I scream. I scream. Carmen calls me to ask where I’m at, I tell her I’m driving. I scream. She tells me to pull over and I refuse. I tell her it’s not true and she tells me he’s gone. I scream. I remember looking at the clock, I got home in twelve minutes from Lubbock. So many cars. Ambulance. Police. Highway patrol cars. Sheriff vehicles. Trucks. Lights. People….

I don’t remember who I came to first I just know they stopped me from going in the door and I don’t recall much after that until about an hour later. Daniel came to me and just held me. He didn’t know what to do any more than I did. Daniel was lost. Daniel was hurt. Daniel lost a piece of him that night too. This is where Daniel’s guilt began. Pastor Amanda sat in a car with me while I cried, yelled, said profanities, called people, curled in a ball, and waited for Joe. I think I had to talk to the sheriff at some point. And to James from the funeral home. Adrianna ran to me asking me if it was true. I had to tell her it was. I did not want to say it was true but I had to. Someone asked me if I wanted to see Zane being taken out or if I wanted to be hidden. I chose hidden. I couldn’t bare to see my baby boy that way. That’s not how it was supposed to be. I wasn’t supposed to be answering that kind of question. I wasn’t. I’m pretty sure I screamed again. Everyone there gathered around the car so I couldn’t see but I curled in a ball anyways. He was taken away. Soon after Joe finally arrived. My poor husband. He looked as bad as I did. Joe just held me as tight as he could. Two parents completely and utterly lost. Heartbroken. Beaten. Angry at God.

Kerri, Julie and Shanna did the unthinkable, what most people would not ever dare do or volunteer to do…they cleaned the living room. This is called love. If you do not have a friend(s) like this, you are missing out. Absolute love. I can never thank them enough for doing that. Ever.

I would never step foot in that living room again. I have never looked that direction. 15 years of good memories have been overshadowed by one horrible memory I’ll never be able to erase.

The days to come were long and never-ending. Sleep was non-existent. Appetites had vanished. That’s an entirely different blog post.

Sirens. The sound of sirens. Emergency lights. The sight of flashing lights. Makes my heart pound and my eyes well up. Brings back the night of July 26th every single time. Always will.