Another morning

This morning I woke up with an overwhelming sadness I just couldn’t shake all day. So many things weighing on my heart: Saturday will be 7 years since Elinda has been gone, next week will be 3 months for Zane, a friend’s mom health is not doing well and I’m so scared of the holidays. How am I going to keep it together for Joe, Daniel, Adrianna and Zeagan???

Everyone around me is excited for Christmas. I’m not. At all. I want to skip it but I know I can’t. Zeagan turns two on December 16th and his Uncle Zane Zane will not be here to see him blow out his candles. And Zeagan will be excited Christmas morning. I will do my best to hold it together for my Booger Bear. Holidays, especially Christmas, will never be the same. The kid that I splurged on, spent wayyyyyyy too much on, bought a ridiculous amount for is not here for me to spoil. Boy was Zane spoiled and rotten to the core. He was the first to admit it too. In short, I dread Christmas.

Before that horrible day, I would go to the gym no less than 6 days a week. I’m lucky to make it 3-4 days now. I have no strength, no desire, no want, no need, the fire is gone. I know some of it has to do with the lack of sleep that I get. Did you know that in the 20 years that I’ve been married I have only spent maybe a handful of times all alone in the house? If Daniel was gone, Zane would be home and if Zane was gone Daniel would be home. And when Daniel moved out, Zane never went anywhere. He was a homebody. All of his friends came to our house. Our house was THE house. THE home. THEIR home. And I loved every minute of it. Every dirty dish, every dirty towel from the pool, every stinky foot, and every time I got mooned by a bunch of teenagers. I loved it. Now I come home to a much smaller house (first time to rent in 15 years, while still paying mortgage, not ready to sell) to my 3 dogs and Mia, Zane’s beautiful black lab while Joe is away at work. My great niece Koii will come stay with me from time to time since she lives across the street. That helps for comfort. When we first moved into the new house, Joe brought me Zane’s penguin pillow pet. I sleep with it every night. That thing is so dirty but I don’t care. It still smells like him. He slept with it for 5 years. Now I will till I’m gone too. I even took it with me to Dallas the weekend of his birthday. Small comforts.

If I could send a letter to heaven right now, it would simply say…I love you. You make me so proud. I’m honored to be your mom. I wish I could have done better and not missed what I should have known and seen. You are my sunshine.

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