I have to eat?

My fridge is empty. My freezer is empty. I don’t know how to grocery shop anymore. The last time I went to Market Street I bought apple juice, peanut butter (that’s still unopened), Snicker doodle cookies, and instant mashed potatoes. We have been in the rent house for two months. I’ve cooked twice. Luckily when Joe is home he cooks for me. I do make sandwiches and cereal tho and my across the street neighbor, Tiffanie, who is family, makes sure I have dinner most nights.

I still can’t bring myself to even want to make chicken spaghetti, regular spaghetti or hamburger helper. Those were Zane’s favorite dinners. Angel hair pasta Roni with herbs was his ultimate favorite side dish. I would have to make two boxes at a time for just the three of us…. basically a box and a half just for him. He was tall and thin and could eat and eat and eat and not gain an ounce. I can’t tell you how many bags of grated cheese, ramen noodles and sliced ham I would buy a month just for his snacks. I have a really difficult time going to Sam’s to get my foil for work. It’s in the back right next to the 24 pack of green and black Monsters that I would buy him. Besides Pepsi, Monster was his other drink of choice. I picked Adrianna up for work this morning and she opened up one. Oh that smell. I teared up but she didn’t know I did. It would make her cry. And then on my way to Lubbock I was behind a Monster van. Weird. He was speaking to us I suppose 💜.

I wonder if the cooks at O’Hanas are wondering where we’ve been. That was Zane’s favorite restaurant. We would go there at least every two weeks, sometimes more. He loved his McDonald’s as well. In fact last week I found a receipt for 5 McDoubles plain and a large Coke. I knew immediately it was his. I put it in his book from the funeral. I also found the Shinedown concert ticket and the Log Cabin restaurant receipt in Ruidoso. Zane and his friends loved the food there so much they wanted to eat there twice on our quick trip. Funny how those things were saved because I normally would have thrown them away.

As much as I hate going to sleep, I wish I would dream of him. I suppose he’s not ready to visit me more often yet. I will never ever forget hearing him call “Mom” as I woke up a few weeks ago. Never. That was not my imagination. While we were in Dallas going from one destination to another I took a nap, and I had a dream. I don’t remember it but he was in it. Our subconscious is so strange on what it remembers and what it does not. I will continue to hope he comes to see me each night. I miss him so much. Thursday will be 3 months. Three. Oh Zane I hope heaven is as beautiful as they say it is and you are dancing with Elinda and Petey.

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