I’ll stop by to visit

As the boys we’re getting older and growing up I imagined visiting them after they moved out and on with their lives. I also imagined both of them getting married and having families. More so with Daniel because 22 months ago him and Adrianna gave us Zeagan. I just knew Zane would go to college first or he would study art and begin his career before starting a family. I always thought Daniel would move away tho and Zane would stay close to home. Zane even told me he would stay here. He wanted to be close to us. He even wanted to live with us through college unless he could find a roommate he could get along with. How could I say no to that? And save us money? We even joked around about him taking care of us when we were old and buying me a house in the Hamptons. I thought he would find the love of his life and have a huge wedding. I wanted to dance with him as the mother of the groom. I’ll never get to do that. Joe won’t get to adjust his tux. I’ll never get to see his face light up as his bride walks down the aisle. Or when his first child is born. Or second. Or a grandchild. Or even to see Zeagan on his second birthday much less. I won’t even get to see him at his Senior prom or walk across the stage at graduation. That’s another post tho.

Never did I imagine visiting him in the cemetery. Never did I imagine turning into that driveway and seeing that cross and reading the saying every time I pass it. Never did I imagine saying I’m going to visit Zane today and take new flowers. Never did I imagine talking about a headstone. Never did I imagine putting a substantial amount of a down payment on a headstone and have to wait months for it to arrive in the states only to wait longer for it to be designed. I never thought the words “my son’s monument is going to be amazing and so original” would ever come out of my mouth. Never did I imagine talking about pay for the rest of the monument which is a lot but I’ll pay whatever for my baby boy. He stood out in life, he shined, so he shall shine being forever 16. If you ever get a chance to visit Zane, he is surrounded and protected by beautiful souls. In front of him Cousin Elinda, Uncle Petey and Great Uncle Marty. Beside him is TJs family. Behind him…Church family Marjorie and Kendel, my friends from high school Kim and Nich, Elinda’s best friend Anna, and so many others.

The other day on Zane’s 3 month anniversary we took his dog Mia to visit. I never thought I’d say that either. She knew he was there. She whined. She was sad. She knew something wasn’t quite right. I think she would have stayed there if we would have let her. Poor Mia, I know she misses him so much.

Three months. It’s like he’s away at college. But he’s not. Has reality set in? No, not yet. Will it? Some day. It will slap me in the face. Until then I’ll plan my visits. I’ll pull in the same driveway, pass the same cross, turn the same direction, park in the same place and walk the same aisle between the other stones. I will ask Elinda and Petey to watch over my baby boy like I do every time. ‘Till I visit again.

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