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Rock bottom is pretty far down there

I’m sitting at a restaurant table across from Zane holding his hands. I tell him I love him. He tells me he loves me too and smiles and looks away. I wake up.

Damn.

That smile. Those beautiful eyes. That voice. That hair. He looks so much like me, like I’m looking in a mirror.

Damn.

I had to wake up.

Another day. Another day without him.

Why did I have to wake up.

The dream I want to wake up from is the one I can’t. A forever nightmare to torment me that reoccurs every night. A broken record. Groundhog day.

I’ve caught myself saying “there’s always someone else worse off than we are” in the past. Now we ARE those people. To lose a child is rock bottom. Drug rehab? Nah. Losing a job? Nah. Flooded house? Nah. Yes, I know, they ARE devastating, I am not saying they’re not horrible because they are but those things can be turned around. We can’t have Zane back. Ever. The look on his friends faces when they saw him for the first time at the funeral home will forever haunt me. 16 year olds should NEVER have to see their ‘brother’ lying still like that not laughing, not smiling, not joking around, not goofing off, not playing PS4, not going to school, not graduating, not living life.

That’s rock bottom.

Time is supposed to heal. In who’s time? Who determines the time? I sure wish someone could tell me, give me an exact date. I would love to set up an appointment. But as I told a friend the other day, I can’t get my crap together. It’s a miracle I get out of bed each day and make it out the door.

Still at rock bottom 108 days later.

Rehab is on the average 90 days. I suppose Joe and I are in the extended version.

Rock bottom. It sucks.

I’m sure what triggered my dream was we ate at Swackhammers in Levelland for the first time in months a few nights ago with Daniel and Adrianna and Zeagan. As we sat down I looked to my right and a horrible feeling came in my stomach. I remembered the last time I ate there was with Zane (just us 3). It was June 13th. Mine and Joe’s 20th anniversary. Zane laughed because he was eating with us on our anniversary. I remember telling him “why not?”! That was 43 days before he left us. We were sitting at the table exactly like we were in my dream….

Looking for an Answer

Click link above to hear thClick on

Look ing For An Answer

A tribute to Chester Bennington by Linkin Park (died by suicide 6 days before Zane)

There’s an emptiness tonight

A hole that wasn’t there before

And I keep reaching for the light

But I can’t find it anymore

There’s an emptiness tonight

A heavy hand that pulls me down

They say it’s gonna be alright

But can’t begin to tell me how

And I ask myself out loud:

Have I been lost all along?

Was there something I could say

Or something I should not have done?

Was I lost all along?

Was I looking for an answer

When there never really was one?

Was I looking for an answer

When there never really was one?

Is there sunshine where you are

The way there was when you were here?

‘Cause I’m just sitting in the dark
In disbelief that this is real

In disbelief that this is real

Have I been lost all along?

Was there something I could say

Or something I should not have done?

Was I lost all along?

Was I looking for an answer

When there never really was one?

Was I looking for an answer

When there never really was one?

And I ask myself out loud:

Have I been lost all along?

Was there something I could say

Or something I should not have done?

Was I lost all along?

Was I looking for an answer

When there never really was one?

Was I looking for an answer

When there never really was one?

One thought on “Rock bottom is pretty far down there

  1. Carrie……I wish I could say something… do something to ignite the light that would lead you to healing, peace, comfort…to Zane! I think of you & your family often & pray for you. Love you! Karen

    Liked by 1 person

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