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Before you were born…

About a two months ago I firmly decided to not decorate for Christmas. I was determined to pretend Christmas wasn’t approaching. Guess what…it’s coming. Crap. Christmas. The one holiday Zane loved. And I mean loved. But the funny thing about Christmas was that in the past several years Zane couldn’t decide what he wanted. He would tell me “Mom, I have everything I need and want, I really don’t need anything else so I’m having a hard time thinking. Give me time, I’ll decide.”. What kid says that? I swear he wasn’t normal. But then again I knew that the day he was born. I knew there was something about him. Like the scripture I hung on the wall next to his picture collage in the new house “Before you were born I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:5

Instead of choosing several different things for gifts, Zane would ask for one thing each year. Just one. And then he would usually ask to get specific people specific items. Ok, let’s get them. We would either order them or go shopping. He was OCD just like me. I’m telling you, he was my mini me. Of course, I wouldn’t get him just one thing…I would always go overboard. Him and Daniel never did without. Even when we were struggling in our younger years.

Back to not decorating…

Like I always do, I changed my crazy mind. Obviously at this moment in time I’m out of my mind. I walked into At Home for something specific but I swear to you I heard Zane say “Mom, you need to put up a tree”. Well, ok. Ok Zane I heard you. So I texted Joe…

(Me) Ummmm so I decided to decorate after all. But I want all new stuff. ALL new. Is that ok?

(Joe) Of course it is, whatever you want. Your trees are always beautiful.

I felt like I needed all new things, a fresh start. I wanted a tree to dedicate to Zane. A special tree, with specific items, but nothing sad. Zeagan needs a little Christmas spirit in the house. I might not be jumping for joy this year but I want to at least have the feel and warmth of Christmas. I plan on getting the finishing touches while we are in Dallas over Thanksgiving.

So off I went. A bit cliche, I chose white angel wings, feathers, doves, jewels and lavender balls. Tree hunting was interesting, first time for a green tree in 8 years. But I found the one after several stores. It had to speak to me. Weird, I know.

I thought decorating would make things easier. I was wrong. Obviously I’m still learning. I’m learning that I’m still in hell. An ornament does not make me happy. It might make me smile, but does not make me happy.

Here is one of the worst things about having someone you love die: It happens again every single morning.

—Anna Quindlen

Another difficult task… social gatherings. I feel awkward. Out of place. Everyone is so happy and I’m not. I try, I really do. I smile but it hurts. Maybe I rushed into too quickly. Last night at the family dinner it was going well till the end when I received the paper with the stocking stuffer list… Zane’s name wasn’t on there. The tears wouldn’t stop. It was gone. My sweet baby that I gave birth to October 6, 2000 was no longer a part of the family list. It’s real. R. E. A. L. I’m nauseous. He’s never coming home…..

3 thoughts on “Before you were born…

  1. All new stuff for Christmas is ok! And the fact that you want to dedicate it to Zane this year is awesome. Like you said it was his favorite holiday so it’s Zane’s tree this year. I can’t wait for you to post it. It will be nothing but amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Death is such a cruel twist. It is so much a part of life and yet it is the opposite of life. Death robs us of happy. Yet we still feel joy. How can that ever make sense? I read as you live a horror of death. I pray and hope for you to find protection of joy. Joy in knowing how much he loved Joy in finding those small and large memories he left. Joy in knowing he left love every where for you to find and feel. I am so sorry for how much you miss and crave a child who was and is so much a part of your very being. Praying for joy in sadness and grief.

    Liked by 1 person

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