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Thankful?

Facebook, oh dear Facebook. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love to read my morning ‘news paper’ and catch up on the latest gossip and see what’s going on. I also truely love seeing my friends beautiful families. But. I’m jealous. I’m so so jealous. Here’s where the hate part of Facebook comes in…

I know I should know better. It’s a front. Most (most) pretend everything is hunky dory perfect in their wonderful lives living in big beautiful clean immaculate houses with perfect children who never talk back to their parents, who’s marriages are grand and drive nice cars. Sad part is, I had half of that. I had the child who didn’t talk back to me. I had the child who was virtually perfect. I had the child who never gave me any problems. I had a nice house. I still drive a nice car. Don’t get me wrong, I have a cute home now, but I’m missing that kid that was supposed to graduate in 2019 and go to Texas Tech for medical school. But I’m still jealous. Even if you’re not happy you have your kids. All of them. So yeah, I’m jealous.

Yep, I’m feeling sorry for myself. Is that bad? Is that wrong? I guess I don’t care. I’m not hurting anyone. But believe it or not, I am thankful. I’ll explain later…

I had a very enlightening conversation with a friend the other day while I was cutting her hair. We talked about phrases people say to someone who is grieving or going through a difficult time. The most common one…

“Everything happens for a reason.”

WHAT? Explain that. Someone explain that. Explain why Joe and I no longer have a son to hold. What reason is that? Explain why Daniel lost a brother. Explain why Adrianna lost a brother-in-law. Explain why Zeagan lost an uncle. Explain why our parents lost a grandchild. Explain why our brothers and sisters lost a nephew. Explain why his friends lost a friend. ALL FOR A REASON.

Define that reason. Where in the Bible does it say this? Nicole talked about a book she read that has a chapter about this phrase. Nope, not in the Bible. So, word to the wise, don’t say it to someone who has lost someone. There is no reason. I promise. Zane didn’t leave us for a reason. Your loved one didn’t leave for a reason. Nothing happens for a reason. And IF it does, that’s not comforting.

“God needed him more than we did.”

Hmmm ok. That’s not in the Bible either. No, I needed him here. Why would he need him in order to make me hurt this much? Yeah so that phrase isn’t true. God wouldn’t want me to hurt this much because he needed him more than I did.

“He’s in a better place.”

No he’s not. Absolutely not. He should be right here. Right here. There is no better place then right here with his family. Period.

“Heaven gained another angel.”

Well I gave birth to an angel 16 years ago and he was just fine here on Earth. So heaven didn’t need him. So not comforting.

Today is a day of thanks. Today is super hard to be thankful. But I am thankful. I’m thankful for having my sweet baby on Earth. I’m thankful for giving birth to Zane Morgan Timmons on October 6, 2000 at 5:54am on a Friday morning at Covenant Hospital in Lubbock by C-section weighing 6lbs 11oz, 18 1/2 inches long. I’m thankful for every breathing treatment, every hospital stay, every 2am phone call to the pediatrician, tube surgery, tonsil surgery. I’m thankful for him being diagnosed with chiari malformation and having decompression surgery September 7, 2016 and rocking it like a champ. I’m thankful being able to spoil him rotten and buy him a Dodge Challenger that he loved. I’m thankful for sending him to New York his 8th grade year. I’m thankful for every song we listened to together, every concert we went to together, especially Shinedown in Ruidoso. I’m thankful for letting him drive my 3 day old car when he got his driver’s permit. I’m thankful for watching him play soccer, football, skateboard, weightlift and run track.

I am thankful for being Zane’s mom for 16 years on Earth. I am thankful that I had him 6047 days to hold. Blessed and thankful. I just wish I had him now to be more thankful. I will always be Zane’s mom. Always.

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