Suicide Awareness

I have….*sigh*

In the check out line at Walmart the other day I broke down. At Walmart of all places. Yu-Gi-Oh cards to my right. Ugh. Zane used to love those things. He would beg for them each time we would go to Walmart. And of course being the sucker I was, I always said yes. Damn Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Thanks a lot. You made me cry.

Then at work I hear this song…

Simple Man

By Lynyrd Skynyrd

Mama told me when I was young
“Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say
And if you do this it’ll help you some sunny day”
“Oh, take your time, don’t live too fast
Troubles will come and they will pass
You’ll find a woman and you’ll find love
And don’t forget, son, there is someone up above”

“And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can”

“Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold
All that you need is in your soul
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied”

“And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can”

Oh yes, I will

“Boy, don’t you worry, you’ll find yourself
Follow your heart and nothing else
And you can do this, oh baby, if you try
All that I want for you, my son, is to be satisfied”

“And be a simple kind of man
Oh, be something you love and understand
Baby be a simple kind of man
Oh, won’t you do this for me, son, if you can”

Baby, be a simple, really simple man
Oh, be something you love and understand

This was a song Zane and I would sing so loudly to. But it was always Shinedown’s version. Whether it was in the car, the house, or live at a concert, that was definitely a favorite. I think of him every time I hear it now. Zane was not afraid to sing out loud. I loved that about him. He was generally shy or anxiety ridden about most things except music. I guess it’s my fault for singing to him and Daniel so much when they were babies.

Well against Patricia’s (and several others) wishes Joe and I went to RJs service. Joe went in first to make sure I would not be in the viewing path of him because he knew I could not handle it. We sat at the back in case I needed a quick escape. I made it thru most of the service, but had to leave a few minutes early before they brought him out so I wouldn’t see. Joe was on his toes. He didn’t want a set back. I so hated this for my friend. It’s not fair. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we are NOT supposed to bury our children. Patricia was holding it together but I’m afraid that won’t be the case in the days to come. It will hit her like a brick wall.

The service was the first time since Zane’s funeral that I’ve stepped foot in a church. And after the time there I realized why I still have not gone back. I’m definitely not ready. I’m still angry. Joe and I both are. This is the way we feel and not much can change that right now. In due time I suppose. I’m sure our anger will lift. I have no peace in my heart. My heart is still broken. Maybe God will help glue me back together someday.

Even though I have not gone back to church, I speak with Pastor Amanda quite often. She is such a comfort. She is real. She is human. She also knows that Joe and I are only human as well. I can only believe in this Bible verse and pray it brings me comfort one day…

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

Sunday I went to get a pedicure while Zeagan took a nap and Joe stayed at the house with him. I needed a little tlc. The pedicurist was chatty towards the end, which I did not mind at all until the dreaded question…

“How many kids do you have?”

Ugh. I have two. Yes two. Yes, I have two. I’m studdering while saying this. Two. But one is gone. We lost him four months ago. He was my baby. 16. But I have two. My oldest son is 20.

The conversation started because he asked me why I chose hot pink instead of red for Christmas. I told him I wasn’t in the Christmas spirit this year, been a difficult last few months. That’s when he asked. Henry was sincerely sorry for our loss. He was very sweet about it.

Joe and I had to run a few errands in Lubbock Monday. We stopped to put gas in the car, no debit card. I frantically searched for it then realized I left it at the nail salon. As we pulled up, memories flooded into my head because of a destinct aroma. Ohana’s. Zane’s favorite restaurant. We still have not stepped foot in there since July 26th. They are probably wondering where we’ve been, we ate there at least 3 times a month.

Adrianna’s birthday was on Monday the 4th. As we dropped her off at work, she made the comment that she sure missed Zane and that last year he made her birthday so much fun. I had an immediate sadness overwhelm me. I told her he’s with her. He’s still with her. He always will be.

Last night after all of our visitors left the house The Shack came on TV. I decided I wanted to see if I could watch it. Years ago when the book came out, I read it so I am familiar with the story but I’ve forgotten bits and pieces. I knew it was going to be sensitive to me. Very. And it was. I don’t want to ruin the movie for those who have not seen it but here it goes…

In the scene where Mac and Papa are in the kitchen when he first gets to the shack…Mac is angry at Papa. Imagine that is me. Picture me as Mac. But I can’t be fixed in two hours. Nor can Joe. I wish we could. And I sure didn’t hit my noggin on the ice. Too bad I’m not dreaming because I’d love to wake up. I didn’t get to finish the movie but I know what happens.

By the way, I have two children…❤️

4 thoughts on “I have….*sigh*

  1. On Saturday, I was at a funeral, too. It was my cousin’s. His parents and his sister were having to bury him and you’re so right. It’s one of the most unfair and unnatural things that exists-for a parent to lose their child.

    I don’t believe that time heals all wounds. I believe time gives you the knowledge and power to manage the pain. And I don’t know how, but I also believe that if you have faith the size of a mustard seed and you tell that mountain MOVE, He will help you move it.

    MercyMe-
    They say sometimes you win some
    Sometimes you lose some
    And right now, right now I’m losing bad
    I’ve stood on this stage night after night
    Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
    But right now, oh right now I just can’t
    It’s easy to sing
    When there’s nothing to bring me down
    But what will I say
    When I’m held to the flame
    Like I am right now
    I know You’re able and I know You can
    Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
    But even if You don’t
    My hope is You alone
    They say it only takes a little faith
    To move a mountain
    Well good thing
    A little faith is all I have, right now
    But God, when You choose
    To leave mountains unmovable
    Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
    It is well with my soul
    I know You’re able and I know You can
    Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
    But even if You don’t
    My hope is You alone
    I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
    Would all go away if You’d just say the word
    But even if You don’t
    My hope is You alone
    You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
    All of my days
    Jesus, I will cling to You
    Come what may
    ‘Cause I know You’re able
    I know You can
    I know You’re able and I know You can
    Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
    But even if You don’t
    My hope is You alone
    I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
    Would all go away if You’d just say the word
    But even if You don’t
    My hope is You alone
    It is well with my soul
    It is well, it is well with my soul.

    I pray for you and your family daily. Keep your faith, even if all you’ve got is a little.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I couldn’t agree more. I have that faith, I’m just trying to let it surface enough to use it to my heart’s advantage. This road is getting longer but I’m managing. That song is very powerful. Thank you ❤️

      Like

  2. Yes you have 2 children and you will always have 2. Still to this day I struggle with that question. Sometimes I answer yes and explain I have 2 angels and then the other times I dodge it completely. Christmas time through February is my hardest time. I love you Carrie and I am so sorry that you and now your friend are going through all of the pain, anger and grief.

    Liked by 1 person

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