Suicide Awareness

So Far Away

Christmas should be fun and exciting. Christmas should be about love. But he’s so far away.

Every day is getting harder. The waves are crashing against the rocks like my emotions are crashing against my heart. These firsts are a joke.

So far away.

“Never feared

for anything
Never chained but never free
A light that healed the broken heart
With all that it could

Lived a life so endlessly
Saw beyond what others see
I tried to heal your broken heart
With all that I could
Will you stay?
Will you stay away forever?

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you’re so far away”

Every time I try to build myself up, something seems to tear it down. Never fails. I’ve mentioned Groundhog Day before. I’m living the movie but I’m not Bill Murry and it’s definitely not funny. Not laughing. Not smiling. Not making money from it either. But I’m starring as the lead role. I’ve never been a take-the-stage kind of actor. I was in theatre in high school but I was behind the scenes choreographing music and placing props. Now I’m center stage. I’ve taken the spot light and now I have stage fright. Get me out of here. Close the curtains. Dim the lights. Exit stage right.

He’s still so far away.

“Plans

of what our futures hold
Foolish lies of growing old
It seems we’re so invincible
The truth is so cold

A final song, a last request
A perfect chapter laid at rest
Now and then I try to find
A place in my mind
Where you can stay
You can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you’re so far away”

I have managed to finish most of my shopping believe it or not. I don’t know how. I did not go crazy this year tho. Very mellow. It might be because I’m not buying a crap ton of stuff for my baby boy. Avoiding things he would like was like avoiding stop signs or bird crap. Just didn’t happen. Band shirts everywhere. Gadgets everywhere. Records, music, guitars, car stuff, shoes, and beanies everywhere.

And yet again, he’s so far away.

“Sleep

tight I’m not afraid (not afraid)
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me (place for me)
‘Cause as soon as I’m done I’ll be on my way
To live eternally
How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book it’s burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it’s so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you’re so far away
I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise
But I’ll see you when He let’s me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied
So far away
And I need you to know
So far away
And I need you to, need you to know

Christmas morning there will be an empty spot on the floor where he would normally sit. The boys always sat on the floor because they received so many gifts…santa gifts, from us, from the dogs (yes, the dogs). They are spoiled. And when Adrianna entered our lives she became spoiled as well. Zeagan. We won’t talk about how rotten he is. You can smell that rotten egg a mile away 💖. Even though we are in a new house, Christmas morning I am going to stare blankly at that empty spot. No presents there. No body. No smile. No sleepy face. No spoiled brat. No one to give his stocking to. It will still hang where it is. Worst Christmas ever. Worse than Christmas Eve 1986 when my dad died in a car accident. I was 8. I suppose it was because I was so young. It obviously affected my mom and definitely my brothers and sisters because they are so much older than I am (Carrie is the whoops baby). Losing my child has succombed me. Again, worst Christmas ever. That’s why I do not call the tree a ‘Christmas Tree’. I call it our ‘Zane Tree’.

My baby is so far away.

Avenged Sevenfold

So Far Away

I know many of you have sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, husbands, wives, other family members, etc over seas or just away in the military or off at school that can’t come home for the holidays. I know you will miss them. But be glad they’re alive. Your missing chair will be filled soon. The presents you saved you soon be opened. The stocking hanging will be taken down and emptied and enjoyed. You’ll see the smiles and hear the laughter. I know it’s hard being away, especially if you have children. But they’re alive. Their heart is still beating. And their spot will be filled.

Yours might be far away, but mine is further.

So far away.

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