Zeagan has officially turned two years old. Without his uncle.
Joe’s 24 year old cousin was in a car accident early Saturday morning and didn’t make it. Again, Joe had to race home from work 3 hours away. Another mom has lost her baby boy. Angie and Jamie had to wake up Sunday morning knowing they will never see Temo again. He’s with Zeagan’s uncle now. I met Joe up at UMC when he got into town to be with his family. I just couldn’t do it. I stood there for about 2 minutes before I turned and ran outside and sat on the patio. Flash backs of July 26th when I arrived at the house came flooding to me. Everyone standing around looking horrified that Temo was gone. Their pain. Oh their pain. The sadness in their eyes. I remember it all too well. My heart couldn’t take it. Joe will walk in with his family at the funeral, I will sit at the back but I will be there for Angie and Jamie. They were there for us.
Sunday was the first time I have been to St. Paul Lutheran Church since July. The kids had a Christmas program and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It was somewhat difficult but we were there. Zeagan was playing in the nursery and I went in to check on him. I sat in the chair. I immediately jumped up with a small panic attack and ran to the hall. The day of Zane’s funeral St. Paul hosted a lunch for the family. I stayed in the nursery the entire time away from everyone. I sat in that chair as they tried to make me eat. Damn. I ran into Joe when I got to the hallway. He had to calm me down. He calmly told me to go sit down and he will get Zeagan.
I had mixed emotions during the program. Memories of the boys participating as Shepard’s and readers came to mind. I teared up a few times as Joe squeezed my hand knowing I was struggling to keep my composure. Zane did not like to speak in public but he would always participate in church without hesitation or argument. Well, ok, maybe he argued a little. Maybe a lot but he always did it for me.
We were doing a little shopping Monday and saw a rubix cube. I wanted to buy it and put it in Zane’s stocking. I will never forget when Santa brought Zane his first cube. He asked what it was and I explained it was an extremely difficult puzzle. Zane was about 12. He opened it, looked at it for a few minutes, studied it, and went to town.
Want to guess how long my whiz kid took to COMPLETE a rubix cube? 45 minutes. In Zane’s words “It’s all in the strategy.”
I put the cube back up, said “his stocking is going to be empty”, took a few steps and broke down. Joe and I stood there for about 5 minutes while I just cried and he hugged me.
As anyone can guess, I’m ready to get the holidays over. Joe and I are going to try to do something a little different for Christmas Eve. Just him and I are taking a quick trip to Dallas for the Cowboys game then heading back early Christmas morning. We hope this will take our minds off of the up coming days. We need a distraction.
Joe humored me the other day when I said I wanted to decorate Zane’s home. So off to the store we went. Plastic candy canes, small Christmas tree, lights and a stocking. I hope my baby boy is smiling from heaven. We also put a stocking by Elinda and Petey.
I have been receiving many texts from friends and family recently. I am surrounded by so much love. Everyone is worried about Joe, Daniel, Adrianna and I. I catch myself staring off into space but I always come back to reality and remember it’s not a dream. He won’t be here for Christmas. He will never be here again. My nightmare is as real as December 25th.
I’m so sorry about Joe’s cousin and that it is all so, so hard. Know that love and prayers are lifting you up. Love,
Margaret Conner
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