Suicide Awareness

Double déjà vu

Zeagan has officially turned two years old. Without his uncle.

Joe’s 24 year old cousin was in a car accident early Saturday morning and didn’t make it. Again, Joe had to race home from work 3 hours away. Another mom has lost her baby boy. Angie and Jamie had to wake up Sunday morning knowing they will never see Temo again. He’s with Zeagan’s uncle now. I met Joe up at UMC when he got into town to be with his family. I just couldn’t do it. I stood there for about 2 minutes before I turned and ran outside and sat on the patio. Flash backs of July 26th when I arrived at the house came flooding to me. Everyone standing around looking horrified that Temo was gone. Their pain. Oh their pain. The sadness in their eyes. I remember it all too well. My heart couldn’t take it. Joe will walk in with his family at the funeral, I will sit at the back but I will be there for Angie and Jamie. They were there for us.

Sunday was the first time I have been to St. Paul Lutheran Church since July. The kids had a Christmas program and I wouldn’t miss it for the world. It was somewhat difficult but we were there. Zeagan was playing in the nursery and I went in to check on him. I sat in the chair. I immediately jumped up with a small panic attack and ran to the hall. The day of Zane’s funeral St. Paul hosted a lunch for the family. I stayed in the nursery the entire time away from everyone. I sat in that chair as they tried to make me eat. Damn. I ran into Joe when I got to the hallway. He had to calm me down. He calmly told me to go sit down and he will get Zeagan.

I had mixed emotions during the program. Memories of the boys participating as Shepard’s and readers came to mind. I teared up a few times as Joe squeezed my hand knowing I was struggling to keep my composure. Zane did not like to speak in public but he would always participate in church without hesitation or argument. Well, ok, maybe he argued a little. Maybe a lot but he always did it for me.

We were doing a little shopping Monday and saw a rubix cube. I wanted to buy it and put it in Zane’s stocking. I will never forget when Santa brought Zane his first cube. He asked what it was and I explained it was an extremely difficult puzzle. Zane was about 12. He opened it, looked at it for a few minutes, studied it, and went to town.

Want to guess how long my whiz kid took to COMPLETE a rubix cube? 45 minutes. In Zane’s words “It’s all in the strategy.”

I put the cube back up, said “his stocking is going to be empty”, took a few steps and broke down. Joe and I stood there for about 5 minutes while I just cried and he hugged me.

As anyone can guess, I’m ready to get the holidays over. Joe and I are going to try to do something a little different for Christmas Eve. Just him and I are taking a quick trip to Dallas for the Cowboys game then heading back early Christmas morning. We hope this will take our minds off of the up coming days. We need a distraction.

Joe humored me the other day when I said I wanted to decorate Zane’s home. So off to the store we went. Plastic candy canes, small Christmas tree, lights and a stocking. I hope my baby boy is smiling from heaven. We also put a stocking by Elinda and Petey.

I have been receiving many texts from friends and family recently. I am surrounded by so much love. Everyone is worried about Joe, Daniel, Adrianna and I. I catch myself staring off into space but I always come back to reality and remember it’s not a dream. He won’t be here for Christmas. He will never be here again. My nightmare is as real as December 25th.

One thought on “Double déjà vu

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