Do you still have your tonsils? Do you still have your wisdom teeth? I don’t.
Have you had C-sections? A hysterectomy? Laser eye surgery? Root canal?
Have you had brain surgery to take out a chunk of your skull? First vertebrae removed? Have you had 22 Botox injections? Twice? Nerve blocks? Nerve burning? Occipital injections?
None of these sound pleasant. But I’ve endured them all. Honestly, they’re no big deal. Physical pain is normal for me. I’ve never one time asked for sympathy. In fact, many times I don’t even announce to anyone what event happened. When you live with chronic pain, you deal with it quietly because people tend to stop caring or they don’t understand. Then there’s emotional pain. I never understood it either until 5 months ago.
One hundred fifty four days.
Emotional pain is like nothing else. I know I’m not the only one who experiences this so I’m not alone. I would take physical pain over it a thousand times over. Will it get easier? No. Will I manage? Yes. Am I managing? Yes. I don’t have a choice.
Christmas was, well, not the most wonderful time of the year.
My baby wasn’t here. His stocking was empty. No presents under the tree. Not one time did I write his name on a gift tag. But we made it through. Sounds like I’m whining. I guess I am. But I don’t care.
The quick trip to Dallas was a great idea. I think it helped Joe and I both keep our minds off of the fact that Zane wasn’t here because any way we look at it, going to a game, no way would Zane have gone 🤣. When Joe and I were walking out of the stadium we were behind a tall kid that if I didn’t know any better could have been Zane from behind. He was wearing a hoodie that said…
“Common sense makes no sense at all.”
If you knew Zane at all, he would argue with you on this and prove it to be true. You just didn’t argue with him, you would lose. Ask his friends. You would lose. I would call him a weirdo and his rebuttal was “well what’s normal Mom?”. Dang, my own kid would get me every time. So as we walked behind the kid with the hoodie, I laughed and smiled knowing my baby boy purposely put us there. I said out loud and looked at Joe “ok Zane, ok, we love you too!”.
When we got home to open presents with Zeagan, Daniel and Adrianna we made it as normal as possible. I guess since we were in a different house it felt ok. If we had been at the old house I doubt I would have been able to get out of bed. So cheers to that.
After visiting Carmen, we went to see Zane before the sun went down. There were quite a few families at the cemetery with their loved ones. Every time we see Zane, there is a new gift for him. I love it. I absolutely love it. I could only stay a few minutes this time. My heart hurt too much and I couldn’t take the pain. It physically hurt. I stayed for a long while Friday after Temo’s service talking to Zane. I told him to show Temo the ropes up in heaven.
The other day, one of the boys came home from boot camp at which we haven’t seen since August. He was released on good behavior. Austin was afraid to come see Joe and I because he was afraid we we’re angry with him. That’s how much impact we have on the boys. We could never have been mad at him. Never. Austin, Sam, Izayah and TJ visited us Saturday night and we had to kick them out about 11 so we could get a few hours sleep before we got up to leave for Dallas Sunday morning. It was good to see their faces and hear their voices. I still see Zane in each one of them. I always will. Even though they are going on with their lives, my son lives on with them. Don’t get me wrong, it hurts to see everyone moving on and my world standing still but I know Zane is in their hearts.
It’s wild to think about what all has changed over the last 5 months. New music has come out. Even 5FDP has released new songs. Zeagan is talking up a storm. He can count to 10. Yup, 10 at the age of two and is already forming sentences. And hello terrible two’s. Oh and he turned two without his uncle here. Zane would have been 17. Several of his friends had birthdays. School started and now the first semester is over. Zane would have been done with his first half of his junior year. It’s almost 2018. Joe and I have seen the Cowboys play 3 times (and darn it we’ve lost all 3 times). Joe and I have moved to a small rent house. The old house is officially a large expensive storage building (hahaha). We have changed the flowers on Zane’s home three times. Zane’s stone is ordered. My heart has been broken. I felt like I’ve failed as a mom. We made it through Thanksgiving. We made it through Christmas. We’ve gone to three funerals other than Zane’s. I have done two suicide prevention walks and I plan on doing more with full participation. Joe and I have been spreading the word as much as possible. Our friends and family have been spreading the word about suicide prevention too. Why? Because you matter. We all matter. If anything good comes out of us losing my baby boy, it’s saving a life. Maybe two.
And I’ve gone from being a mom of two boys to a young man and an angel son.