Suicide Awareness

G..R..I..E..F.. (Month 6)

G

Great, gigantic, grand, gaping, gloom, grave

R

Restless, regret, rough, rage, rainstorm

I

Infliction, indecisive, illusion, insidious

E

Eternal, edgy, emptiness, ending

F

Fatality, fear, forever, flashbacks, family

I’ve been told there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It has been six months today and I truely believe I’m still in the first stage… denial.

Denial is pain.

Denial is every picture I look at of Zane I stare at. I study his expression. Did I miss something? No, because he’s still here. No, wait, no he’s not. I missed something. I go back and forth. Constantly.

Denial is every text I receive I want it to be from him so I jump to my phone. I’m expecting a text from him asking me for money or if he can go somewhere with a friend. He always asked, he never assumed the answer was yes. Zane would even let me know if he was running into town to get a drink that would take 10 minutes because he knew I would worry otherwise. He respected me in that way.

Denial is sitting on the couch (that I will never see again because Joe got rid of it) and watching Zane walk through the front door smiling saying hello mom. Denial is him sitting on the couch next to me playing with Zeagan while we watch an episode of Shameless and laugh about him being SO much like Lip.

Denial is Zane asking me if he can go get gas in his car. I ask how much is left in the tank. He tells me ‘oh half a tank’. What? Half? Half to him meant he was going to run out.

Denial is hearing a loud stereo system from a car come up the street and me expecting it to be the Challenger pulling up. I want so bad for Zane to get out of his car, flip his hair with his drink in his hand and walk in the door.

Denial is a Wednesday morning before school, Zane isn’t awake so I go to wake him up and as I do I instantly realize what day it is. I apologize and tell him to go back to sleep. Whoops, sorry baby, didn’t mean to, forgot it was Wednesday and you didn’t have to be at school till 9 😛.

Denial is coming home after a long day of work to a house full of boys who have already eaten half of the food from the kitchen but loving every second of the laughs and hugs. Making dinner for 6+ boys on a Friday night was normal but instilling the fear of God in them to keep my house clean was the best part.

Denial is his new home.

Denial is his nephew turned 2 without him. Christmas wasn’t the same. 2018 may have started a new year for everyone but it only continued my pain.

Denial is seeing the seasons change around me but my world is standing still. It’s having flashbacks of that day exactly six months ago. It’s getting the phone call. It’s driving 135 mph to get home to house I would never sleep in again. It’s burying your 16 year old child.

Denial is painful.

I suppose anger is next…

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