Have you ever thought about how old you will live to? Or how long you WANT to live to? I never did before 6 months ago. I just lived life. Now I live day to day hoping I will make it without breaking down. I hear how old some people live to and it’s remarkable. But lately instead of thinking to myself, I’ve resorted to thinking out loud. I know it’s not what anyone wants to hear, but why would I want to live that long on this Earth without him and be tortured by waking up every morning? I am not saying I want to die tomorrow, I am just saying I’m not sure if I want to live another 40+ years waking up the same way…in pure misery. The other day was the real Groundhog day but it’s Groundhog day every day in my world. The phrase “Time heals all wounds” is not entirely true. In fact it’s not true at all. The hole in my heart cannot be repaired by time nor surgery. The pain I feel cannot be taken away with medicine nor will get better with time, it can only be managed. Yes, I have much to live for but never did I imagine losing a child at such a young age (mine and his). The clock is broken.
Making decisions on Zane’s headstone have been slightly stressful. I mean, the monument is going to look like no other and will speak to him. It will speak of him. It will be him. It will be a place friends and family can go and talk to him, enjoy the artwork, and knows it tells a story. Well, we were having trouble thinking of one more item to put on one particular spot. As OCD as I am, I wanted it to be very specific and perfect and it had to speak to me. It did just that. Zeagan wanted to put on his Batman house shoes and a nickel fell out of one of them. I assume it was a “nickel from heaven”. Ok Zane, Batman it is. The last symbol is Batman.
About a month ago Joe and I were going through a few things and came across Zane’s backpack from last year (10th grade). In his English notebook was a paper with basic sentences to get to know the students I suppose. But a few stood out. He wished he had more time with Elinda. He missed her so much. Batman was his hero. So is his dad.
That made me cry.
Joe was his hero.
Joe has always felt guilty for working so much and so far away. But his boys love him. Whether he’s home or at work, he’s a dad. That’s what heros do.
As I was pulling up to the gym this morning, I saw a falling star. I parked my car smiling, well grinning I suppose then I started to cry. I debated on my wish. I WANTED to wish for my pain to ease up just a little but I knew that was too selfish. I knew my wish was needed for something else. It was needed for two beautiful children whom I adore that need a little extra TLC. I can’t give the exact details of the wish or that star will have fallen for no reason at all.
I walked into the gym and on the floor was a penny…
A penny from heaven 😇
I said “Hi Zane.”
And I cried again.