Let Me Be Angry

I never understood when someone explained just “waking up in a sad mood.”

I never understood just crying for no reason out of the blue.

I always thought there needed to be a darn good explanation. Yeah no. That all flew out the window.

Joe and I used to be semi avid movie goers. Since July we’ve seen one at the theatre. Wonder. Yup, just that one. No violence, no one died (except an animal), and absolutely no guns. That’s why I don’t go to the movies anymore. And now I find out two movies that are currently showing have suicide scenes…Hostiles and Winchester. Maybe a warning label on a movie trailer would be appropriate but that’s too much to ask.

Social anxiety along with movie anxiety is in full swing. Going back to January-ish, New Year’s Eve Joe and I had every intention of going to a friend’s house for a get together after Adrianna and Daniel picked up Zeagan. I just couldn’t leave the house. I WANTED to be with friends but I just couldn’t go where there was so much “happy”. I started crying and asked Joe if he would be mad if we didn’t go. Of course he was fine with staying home. A bit later Leandra calls to see when we were going to get there, telling her we decided not to go, she asked if she could come by. Her, Myka and Eden hung out with us till after New year’s, even picking up a fabulous dinner for us… McDonald’s. PJs and all.

I am a member of a group on Facebook that focuses on loss of suicide. Most of the time the posts are about miles stones, birthdays, updates, etc but there was one recently that caught my attention. In not so many words (this is not exact)…

If you know someone who was in a car accident and they survived, people say “oh God sure was with them at that moment.”….Well why was God not with my child when he died?

It’s a legitimate question. And I’m still struggling. Was He with Zane the moment it happened? Was He there? Was He there when his heart stopped? Was He there when I got the worst phone call of my life? When Joe got the call? When Carmen walked in and saw what she saw? Was He there when Daniel got the call that his only brother was dead? This post came the same day I had a wonderful lunch with Pastor Amanda. Her and I sat and talked for two hours. I could ask her this question but that would not be fair for that’s not hers to answer.

I obviously am not the only one angry with God. Even Job in the Bible was. This passage is so strong to me…

20 “Why is light given to him who suffers? Why is life given to those who feel sad in their soul? 21 They wait for death, but there is none. They dig for it more than for hidden riches. 22 They are filled with much joy and are glad, when they find the grave. 23 Why is light given to a man whose way is hidden, and around whom God has built a wall? 24 For I cry inside myself in front of my food. My cries pour out like water. 25 What I was afraid of has come upon me. What filled me with fear has happened. 26 I am not at rest, and I am not quiet. I have no rest, but only trouble.”

He was not afraid to be angry. I am not either. Anger speaks a thousand words. One day I will be at peace and no longer angry. Time will not heal my wounds but it will patch my anger.

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