Suicide Awareness

33.57°N 102.38°E

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” ~ John Lennon

A friend posted this on FB the other day. I told her I can only ‘imagine’ Zane thought it was okay in the end. My sweet baby boy was ok.

But what about the innocent people in Florida…was it okay? Ugh. And now some people are arguing about his mental health. His mental health by itself did not murder 17 people. He did. Don’t blame his background, his past life, his family history. All of that was not holding the gun nor did not plan it. He needed help but not much was given. No, I do not have much compassion for someone who plans an attack (this was not on impulse) but he did cry for help and was bullied. Those children and teachers are now scarred for life for what they’ve seen and been through and heard. PTSD. My son obviously had ‘mental health’ issues but he did not choose to massacre like the kid in Florida, or the man in South Texas or Las Vegas or any of the other mass attacks. Always quick to blame. Same for gun control but that’s a different subject.

I love the signs I get from Zane. Or at least I hope that’s what they are. At Sam’s…the Monsters were next to the Pepsi’s as we walked in and feathers popped up in random places. It was nice to feel him.

Joe and I attempted the movies again. The movie itself was great but the trailers before were alarming for me personally. Maybe not to anyone else in the theatre but to me, it made me grip Joe’s hand a bit tighter. Remember the early 90s movie Heathers? I’m a huge Christian Slater fan but I will never watch that movie again. If you haven’t seen it, her s my quick rundown on it…a new girl in school becomes part of the most popular click, the ‘Heathers’, she hates them, she befriends an outsider, they plot the Heathers and the boyfriends deaths by making it look like suicides. Success. Then they blow up the school. How did we love this movie so much? Now there is going to be a tv series. That’s why they were showing the original one. Wow.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that Zane is where he will be forever. Forever is a long time. And that’s a long time without my baby boy. So now his location is on his dad and I. Latitude and longitude of the cemetery.

The cemetery. Never did I imagine. I sit in my same spot on my new couch in the new house that’s becoming not so new any more and I stare at a picture of him every night. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be talking to him not staring at a picture of him frozen in time while I’m aging faster and faster.

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