Suicide Awareness

Cookies Anyone?

I’ve shared this story before but it’s such a funny one I have to repeat it. That’s why the cover photo is the text conversation between Zane and I…it makes me laugh every time I read it. Very nostalgic.

As usual, multiple boys at the house + frozen cookie dough + a microwave = a text I will never forget. Oh my child, always trying to cut corners, tried to bake cookies in the microwave instead of the oven. The smell of cooked bacon doesn’t even linger as long as burned cookies do 🤣🤣🤣. Zane even laughed at himself at that one.

Sometimes I just sit in my car when I pull into the driveway and stare at his. I imagine him sitting in it turning his face towards me and giving me that mischievous grin. He would always do that if we pulled in about the same time. After he got his car, he took over the carport and Joe’s truck was second class 🤣🤣🤣.

But he’s not in the driver’s seat.

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.”

― Napoleon Hill

Dear Mr. Hill, I’m still waiting for that greater benefit of losing my son to suicide. This heartache will never turn into anything worth mentioning to benefit from. The loss of a child is as deep as it gets. But I will spend the rest of my days trying bring awareness of suicide so it is not so taboo. While I do not consider that to be a ‘benefit’ of my child’s death, maybe my baby boy will save a life.

About a month ago I was at the gym with Joe, both of us walking on the treadmills. All of a sudden my neck popped, I was looking straight ahead which is pretty unusual. My neck never pops on it’s own and this time it was loud sending an electric current through my body that lasted a few minutes then it was gone. I was fine for about a week then slight pain began and slowly progressed. Fast forward to Friday March 2nd I had to be taken to the er about 2am by my mother-in-law because Joe was at work. They basically gave me meds to help with the pain (which didn’t) and a CT scan and sent me home. I was getting cozy (as well as I could with a heating pad) on the couch when the charge nurse called and told me to get my butt back to the er stat. Why? Because my neck is broken. Well ok then. I called Kerri and away we went. Another 9 hours in the er, two neck braces, a MRI (at which I screamed from the pain), more pain meds, a talk with the neurosurgeon, the nurses getting griped out for NOT giving me pain meds by my neuro, being wheeled to the bathroom in a wheelchair by Kerri because I refused to use a bedpan, and posing for broken neck brace pictures later….I get sent home. Whew. Now 6 weeks of being miserable and a bone density test to see why I spontaneously broke my neck. Only me. All before I’m 40 🤕. Zane would be shaking his head at me about now, but would do whatever he could to help his mom.

I was making a call today and looking for the number on my phone (in the C’s). The call dropped on it’s own, I looked at my phone to redial and my contacts had scrolled down to Zane’s name.

Hi Zane. I love you.

I love his little hellos.

2 thoughts on “Cookies Anyone?

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