It’s All I Have

Almost 8 months and things will still never be the same. So much has changed. I’m not the same person. I kinda don’t like who I am. But I can’t be the old me. The old me died 239 days ago.

As I was shampooing a client’s hair this morning another flashback came to me. A month after, exactly a month, I was reaching in my work bag to get my schedule book out and pulled out a stack of client checks. They were dated July 26, 2017. They had some how fallen to the bottom of my bag. I had a panic attack. I ripped a deposit slip out and took them to Pat in the break room and didn’t say a word. She knew exactly what to do. She saw the date. Ironically one of the checks was written by my first client that morning. I apologized for not depositing it and she just hugged me. I was stark white, pale…good thing I wasn’t wearing makeup yet. Another memory I had temporarily deleted.

This morning I got my daily notification from Facebook about my memories and of course there were a few pictures of Zane. Two years ago he was confirmed at church. I was such a proud mom. Immediately after the service was over Zane put his gray beanie on (this beanie is hung on a picture of Zane and Zeagan in our hallway). I wore the same dress that day that I wore to his funeral, minus the flower belt because the day we buried my baby I didn’t feel as though I needed to look cute (in fact I almost wore my Reef flip flops with that dress instead of the wedges because I didn’t care what anyone thought but I left them in the limo). The same dress I will never wear again. The same dress I gave away. The same dress I would never be able to look at again because I knew I wore it the last time I saw his sweet face as I was carried out of the church that hot afternoon. The same dress I collapsed into Daniel’s arms with Joe and Adrianna surrounding us. The same dress I walked away from his casket being above ground for the last time before getting in the limo.

Speaking of Facebook memories, I’ve decided to quit reposting pictures. I suppose I have posted too many. I get it. Everyone wants to see what’s going on in everyone’s current life. I get it. I just thought he WAS my current life. He’s ALL I think about. All day, all night. It may not seem like it to all who talk to me but it is. His image is in my head 24/7. And I promise you Zane is in Joe and Daniel’s too. My poor Daniel is really struggling right now. He misses his brother more than anything. Having the worry about your only living child is torture. Having to worry about him having a seizure or a breakdown is relentless. But I get it. While you go on with your current life, we will make it through ours. I will enjoy YOUR current life and I will post less of mine.

The pictures that I have of Zane are ALL I have.


What most of you have are right in front of you. My “current” pictures are getting older and older.

And older.

3 thoughts on “It’s All I Have”

  1. Oh sweet Carrie, it’s like a post straight from my heart. That dreaded dress, the Facebook memories….please don’t stop reposting your beautiful pictures of Zane. I want to know your precious boy. I too understand how those pictures and memories are all you have. Our “current life” will always have our boys in it, as well as our other children and loved ones. We know a broken heart more than we would ever want for anyone else. Somehow this is our life. But I do know that Zane, Riley and so many other loved ones are so alive in heaven and so alive in our hearts. They will live on through us. I am honored I am getting to know you, Zane, and the rest of your family.
    Much love,

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Those we love should be shared with everyone! Your boys were your life and you should continue to share pictures of Zane just as you do of Daniel! Carrie, you never know who could be watching and reading, seeing what your family is going through could change their mind about suicide or seek help from the daily pain they experience. Someone could seek help that might have kept quiet for so long. After Kim died I talked about her so much, she was like a sister and my pain was so deep. She was just gone, no more annoying high pitched yell she would do as I walked down the street to her house, no more talking on the phone, no more arguments over boys, it was just done and I was in pieces. I couldn’t share all the happy moments with her in person, but I still did, I still go visit her and yesterday was her 40th birthday. Share Zane, not only for suicide awareness, but Chiari and chronic pain, as well!

    Liked by 1 person

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