4 + 4

8 months.

First I need to apologize for my last blog post. My heart got in the way. It was silly of me to get emotionally involved in Facebook. I have been having a rough time lately. I miss him so much. Easter is coming up. Then my first Mother’s Day without him. I think Mother’s Day will be harder than Christmas. Zane did not like to be around large groups unless it was friends or close family. So holidays were my time with him. He would always humor me by wearing what I picked out for Easter Sunday or family pictures. I honestly didn’t think my blog was being read that much. I was overwhelmed by the responses. Completely overwhelmed. And loved.

Eight months passes in the blink of an eye. But to me it feels like yesterday. Yesterday he was alive and walking this Earth. Yesterday he was laughing. Yesterday he was telling me what he wanted to do to his car next. Yesterday he was telling me he wanted to run track his junior year. Yesterday I was sitting on the back porch watching Zeagan waiting for Zane to get home from school and to come sit with me out back like he always did. I don’t have a back porch like I did any more. I don’t have him coming home any more. Oh yesterday. Yesterday you suck.

“I say to everybody, love is what wakes you up in the morning, love is what makes you walk, and love is what makes you hope.”

I say to everybody, love is what wakes you up in the morning, love is what makes you walk, and love is what makes you hope.”

― Jerry Lewis

Love. I promise that’s about the only thing that’s keeping me alive. Love. I KNOW Zane loves me. Note: loves. He still loves me. He never stopped loving me or his dad or his brother or his friends or family. He did die of a broken heart tho. Even a 16 year old can suffer from a broken heart. Do not ever tell a young person they don’t know what they’re feeling because they do. They hurt.

Everyone is excited about summer, the warm weather. I’m not. Why? It will only make the day feel closer. When it’s cold it doesn’t seem “real”. It’s hard to explain. Joe’s closet door was open the other day. I keep a few sleeveless shirts on the lower rack of his closet. The royal blue with the silver zipper one was staring right at me. It’s the one. I was wearing that shirt the moment I got the call “He’s gone.” I was wearing that shirt on my drive to the house, the blood curdling scream, the curling up in the car seat and waiting for Joe to arrive. I wore that shirt till James took Zane away while everyone protected me from seeing him being taken. I wore that blue shirt till I crawled in my sister-in-laws bed around 3am only to drift off and on for a few hours while hearing my Facebook notifications multiply because the word had gotten out quickly. My baby was loved and already missed. Why I have it I’m not sure. So I tucked it away in the back of the closet.

Summer scares me. I once loved it. Watching the grass turn green, the flowers grow, the trees blow in the wind…I loved it. I loved being able to give Zane and his friends a pool for the hot weather, a porch for the boys to hang out on till all hours of the night and a safe home for them to sleep at. The summer meant waking up to a house full of stinky feet, empty chip bags, corn dog wrappers and video game controllers everywhere. Sometimes even extra TV’s and laptops scattered here and there in the game room with the 65″ connected so they can play all at once. I loved every second. But the boys respected my house believe it or not. They never left a dish in my sink. The next morning the house was always picked up. I think Zane threatened them 😅. Some of the kids would spend days to weeks at the house. Sure, my grocery bill went up but it was worth it.

June scares me. The last family vacation we took with Zane was in June of last year. Ruidoso. One of my favorite places. Ziplining, sitting on the porch, walking around town, laughing, the boys fishing. I may never see Ruidoso again.

As the season changes to summer, my reality becomes a horror all over again. Four months from today and a year will pass. My days have never seemed longer.

8 months.

P.S. Whomever said the quote “God only gives you so much that you can handle.” needs to be punched in the face. Because I have said this before… Jesus never said it, it’s not a biblical statement.

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