Suicide Awareness

As I Reflect

“My God my God why have you forsaken me?”

What? Why would the Son of man ask his own father this question?

Probably because Jesus is about to die in a brutal way, nailed to a cross between two thieves, while he did nothing to deserve his death.

This is the question I asked God as I heard the words “He’s gone.”

My own son was gone. God took my 16 year old in a brutal way as well who did not deserve it. How could a 16 year old have needed to die when he had done nothing wrong in his short life. If you were blessed enough to know him, you knew he was near perfect. God knew that too. That’s why I’m confident he is with Him. While I may be angry, I know Zane is with God, like Jesus went to be with his father. But I will never understand.

Jesus felt forsaken as I have felt forsaken. Jesus received his answer when he went to heaven but I suppose I’ll have to wait to get mine.

Good Friday is the day or night per se that Jesus died for our sins. The last words of Jesus were 7 sentences. “My God my God why have you forsaken me” was one spoken. In the past I had always considered “I thirst” to be the most intriguing. The reason being I believe Jesus knew he was about to die so why ask for something to drink? I don’t know the answer. Now I feel as forsaken as Jesus did. How did he really feel in his last moments….how did Zane feel in his?

Pastor Amanda asked me to write a reflection for Good Friday. She felt I related to this particular last phrase of Jesus on the cross. She was correct. And I agreed to write one.

Another first holiday for us. Last Easter Zane helped Zeagan hunt eggs at church and at my sister’s house. It would be the last time Zeagan would share this kind of moment with his uncle. It was also the last Easter Zane would help with Sunrise Service reading a lesson or participating in a program. In the 39 years that I’ve gone to church at St. Paul I’ve never missed an Easter sunrise service. This will be the first. It hurts too much. This is the first time is 16 years I did not search for the perfect Easter outfit for Zane. If you didn’t notice, the blue shirt he’s wearing in the picture is the last shirt I saw him in besides his 5FDP shirt underneath. I chose that shirt because he looked wonderful in blue. His eyes stood out and his dark hair glowed. This was also the first year I didn’t buy my own new dress. A little strange. But again, it hurts too much.

“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.”

~Psalm 126:5

The last week or so has been a little difficult. All the talk about Easter. It might not have been his favorite holiday, but it was a holiday we spent together nonetheless. And he loved to watch Zeagan at church and at my sister’s. Silly colored eggs, seems simple right? It was actually about us being together as a family.

While I know God was with Jesus the moment he died, was He with Zane? Did He try to talk him out of it? Did He hold his hand? It’s hard to believe He would just stand by and watch my baby boy do that. I’m so confused. I’m not afraid to talk about my questions. So many are. Sometimes I wonder what is more taboo… suicide or religion. I know MY God. And I know I know God allows me to be open minded with Him. I just do not know what He is doing with my family’s life at the moment because it is all in shambles. One day I will get answers.

2 thoughts on “As I Reflect

  1. I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t have any words to say, really. But as I read this, I can say that I share with you in your grief. All I can do is to pray for you, and that I will do. Hoping for His comfort to fill your heart…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Carrie ,my heart breaks for you and your loving family!!! I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are in!!! I love you and your family like they are my own!!! I don’t understand why either but one day we will!!! You are an amazingly strong woman!!! And I am glad you are in my life!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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