Suicide Awareness

Every Day I Love You

Why was Easter so hard? Holidays are becoming as nasty as July 26th. The next two will be the worst for Joe and I. Yes we still have our Daniel to help celebrate our being a mother and a father but it’s not the same without our baby boy. I know it’s just a made up “holiday” but it’s always been a special one for both of us. Our children are our world. And now half of our world is gone.

While I hate these “firsts” I can’t imagine the “seconds” being any easier.

Being a mother means protecting your children. Loving your children. Being there for them. Teaching them. Watching them grow and learn. What happens if you feel like you didn’t protect them enough? Did I put my barrier down? Did I lose sight of what I was supposed to do as a mom? I will ask myself these questions till the day I die. Then I will ask him what I did wrong.

I used to believe in miracles. There’s no such thing in my mind. You can believe in them all you want. I now think if things are going to happen, they’re going to happen. I obviously have no control. And no matter how much you love someone, sometimes it’s just not enough. I know I’m not the only one on this Earth who has lost a child, so I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Looking at my grandson, at two years old, and thinking about Zane at that age knowing I would lose him 14 years later is devastating. Oh how my priorities have changed.

One of my favorite pictures on my wall at the new house says “Every Day I Love You”. I read it over and over every night because I look straight at it from where I sit on the couch. It’s next to a large picture of Daniel and Zane. I took that pic the morning after I cut both of their hair off. Instantly both boys turned into young men. Both so handsome. The shirt Zane is wearing in the picture I put on Daniel’s memory blanket ( black Zoo York 13).

Lifehouse

‘Broken’

The

broken clock is a comfort It let’s me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you’ve already figured out
I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I’m holding on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
Barely holding on to you
The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
Tried my best to be guarded
I’m an open book instead
I still see your reflection
Inside my eyes
That are looking for purpose
There still looking for life
I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
I’m barely holding on to you
Hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will, will be OK
Broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
Haven’t forgotten my way home
I’m falling apart
I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart
That’s still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’ on), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’)
Barely holding on to you
I’m holding on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’ on), I’m holdin’ on
(I’m still holdin’)
Barley holding on to you

If I could break my clock I would. Turn back the time that was stolen from us. I’m sure this is the same for anyone who has lost a loved one so young. It just doesn’t make sense does it?

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