Suicide Awareness

Fair Warning

I was driving to work Tuesday morning, it’s sunny, slightly cloudy. I’m listening to XM radio like usual and ‘Location’ by Khalid starts to play…

“Send me your location
Let’s focus on communicatin’ ’cause
I just need the time and place to come through

Another song on Zane’s playlist. A flashback started. A new one. One I had blocked out. So bare with me but I need to talk about this. I’m serious, don’t continue to read if you can’t handle me being raw. I’m really not sure what brought this to surface tho…

Most know what happened the late afternoon of July 26th around 5pm. Word spread quickly around town. Soon everyone in Levelland knew the details of my son’s death, but not without silly rumors added in the mix.

This is where the flashback started…in the funeral home staring at my baby in the casket with his Supra hat on I noticed his hair sticking out. I wanted so bad to tuck it in. But I couldn’t. His hat was hiding what I never needed to see. What I never did see. What no mother should EVER see. James had strategically placed his hair so it would look perfect for me. And at this moment I honestly did NOT know specific details of where because I had not asked. I didn’t really want to know. I suppose I wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen that way. I was in a fog. In a dream. I still am. Joe was holding my hand and gently holding me back. He kinda of looked at me and shook his head no. I knew then. I suppose we could have put his beanie on him but in the last few months he seemed to be attached to his Supra hat. His hair was longer than usual, he needed a cut. I had just told him a few days prior that I would get it cut before that weekend because he had mentioned he had somewhere to go. I felt bad that I had not gotten to it yet but I guess it was a good thing. I felt bad that I never got to cut my sweet baby’s hair one more time. Run my fingers through his gorgeous wavy chestnut hair. Check his chiari incision scar for stitches trying to come out and cause a little pain. Oh I wanted to fix his hair…so I just touched his face instead.

Why do people start rumors or continue to spread them? Why not just ask the ones that would know the truth? Luckily Zane had friends that stood up for the truth and put most of the rumors to rest quickly. Here’s a few…

•There was someone (or more than one) in the house with him at the time…

•There were two notes…

•It was a dare or so called game

•The gun wasn’t his, someone gave it to him…

There were more too.

All lies. All. It would have been easy to ask Joe or I. This type of thing happens with tragedies tho. Someone always needs attention.

Obviously music is a main topic of most of my blog posts. I hope that doesn’t bore you. We are a music family. One song can jar a memory for me, usually a good one….whew. Yesterday morning while putting on my makeup and listening to Pandora, ‘Lips of an Angel’ by Hinder came on. Oh Zane loved that song! That’s another one he would sing out loud in the car on the way to school. My introvert child. So I laughed a good laugh and said hi Zane 💜.

I tend to get jealous more often than I should now. First it’s jealousy, then it’s overwhelming sadness. There was a short clip on the news at the gym about a teacher who’s son was in the military and had been gone 8 months, the same time as Zane. He surprised her at an assembly. He’s alive. He was able to hug her. He wasn’t carried out of her house in a body bag. Yes, I’m happy for her!!! But I’m jealous because she has her baby.

It stings.

So even though I’m jealous, hug your baby no matter their age. If you are “on the outs” with one of your kids, get over it. Go hug them and make up. Make me more jealous. Make it sting.

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