Suicide Awareness

April Makes Nine

Today started like normal, nothing unusual. Well, nothing has been ‘normal’ for quite a while but I suppose this is my new normal. It was going fine…till I saw the date. Nine months.

Oh how I loathe the number 26.

Sometimes I feel like I have tunnel vision. As much as I travel the same road, you would think I would pay attention more to detail. I know the McDonald’s billboard has been on hwy 114 right before you get into Levelland for years but lately I haven’t even seen it, until last week on my way home (ironically it’s by a cemetery). I glared at it. Laughed. Then said 5 McDoubles plain and dry and a large Coke out loud. That’s what Zane always ordered. Or maybe a 20 piece nugget and a large Coke. Or both if he was really hungry. But here’s the kicker…he wouldn’t order, he would make someone ELSE do the ordering for him. His anxiety wouldn’t let him. He would flip out. Zane was excellent at conning his friends into doing things for him. The little punk.

Joe has been helping TJ build a box for his speakers for his car (stereo system). TJ offered to go grab us drinks but it was close to lunch on Sunday so I just said go get food instead. We narrowed it down to Dairy Queen. Joe and Izayah immediately said the same thing…Triple Belt Busters. Then the conversation turned to Zane and how much Izayah hated him because that’s what Zane ordered… usually 2 or 3 of them. Ok well not really “hated” him but hated how much he could eat and not gain an ounce. Yep the conversation consisted of Zane putting food in and pooping it right on out 🤣. Oh the things said around boys.

I find myself being snarky at times. Especially when I see a picture that says “blessed”. I used to feel blessed. I don’t have that feeling as much any more. Note: as much. I liked how I felt when my baby boy was here with us. Life wasn’t perfect but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

While at Walmart, I passed the above ground pools. Ughhh. Last May and June we had a heck of a time with pools. We bought a new pool, the boys set it up, it had a hole. Took it down, packed it up, exchanged it, set the new one up, and the poles bent. Yeah, seriously. Round 3. Whew. Winner. Joe, Zane and the boys worked on the deck too because I was worried about Zeagan falling into the pool. They built a gate on the stairs so the turkey couldn’t climb on them. The pool was Zane’s responsibility since him and his friends used it the most. In fact last summer I never even got in. The back yard in the evening was Zane and his squads domain. Seeing the boxed up pool got to me. Damnit today was hard.

I went to talk to Zane today. I sat with him for a while and cried because I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to yell so I did. I got mad. I asked why. I asked Zane why. I asked God why. The icing on top of the cake is I will never get my answers.

BTW day 275 hurts just as bad as day 1.

One thought on “April Makes Nine

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