Suicide Awareness

A Bug’s Life

Do you ever feel like a moth to a flame?

Or a bug on a windshield?

A grain of sand being buried deeper and deeper?

I feel like that bug that got stuck on the windshield wiper that’s trying to hang on for dear life. We’ve ALL been there. That’s just where I am now. Groundhog day.

If we could start again, would that have changed the end?…. Words of Ivan Moody from 5FDP. I know I know I sound like a darn broken record. But it’s just not getting any easier. I thought it was. I am still in complete utter disbelief he’s gone. How can my baby be gone? If one more person tells me time heals all wounds I might lose my shit.

A familiar song came on Pandora the other morning. One I’ve mentioned before… Simple Man. My mind drifted to the Ruidoso Shinedown concert. I will never forget Zane’s face and the love for the song when Brent Smith sang acoustic with Zach Meyers. So much emotion. To see that kind of joy and to know we shared that moment. I’ll have that forever.

Saturday night Zane came to me in my dream. Finallllllly. I don’t remember what it was about but I clearly remember him being in it and he was laughing. Oh that smile and laugh. It was like the scene of a movie that makes you smile and tear up, ya know, the ending that most have (Except my movie doesn’t have that ending). His laugh in my dream reminds me of one of our favorite movies we shared…A Knight’s Tale. We loved that movie. We still love that movie…”It’s called a lance, hellooo”. And ironically it’s been playing on HBO a lot. The ending makes you smile and laugh. And smile some more.

Sadly though the last 9 1/2 months haven’t panned out like A Knight’s Tale. They’ve been more like my other favorite movie Untamed Heart with Christian Slater. A great, super shy handsome guy with health problems. Just like my Zane. An ending that makes you cry in the end but not because it’s happy and cute… because it’s sad.

It’s that windshield thing…at the beginning of summer when the nights stay warm. The bugs swarm a little more and are unable to dodge what is being thrown at them.

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