Suicide Awareness

I’m Still His Mom This Mother’s Day

A while back I decided to start treating myself again and getting my nails done. A new distraction I suppose. It’s been good for me I think. Well the other day while sitting at the table a lady sat next to me and said “oh you have Hebrew on your wrist, it says family!”. I was so surprised but she explained that she lived in Israel for 10 years and learned/studied the language. I told her I’ve had it for at least 15 years, soon after Zane was born. She asked me why I would choose the word specifically ‘family’. I said because of my husband, two boys and our two huge families that we love. I can’t explain it but she gave me this look, smiled and said the Hebrew language is something people are drawn to, so something pulled me to it. I also told her I have the Song of Solomon ring in Hebrew at which her eyes lit up and she showed me her wedding ring…it was the same ring but fancied up. She said she felt a connection to me. Normally I would be weirded out, but I was not. I felt comfortable talking to her.

She then noticed my arrow with Zane’s signature. I explained about my baby boy. Then she told me something that made my heart feel so much love. She said “if you say their name they never die, if you never say their name they go away.” I said we ALWAYS say his name. Always. Zane’s name is everywhere. His signature will be on his headstone. She smiled. She said he will live.

Well Thursday I had every intention of buying mother’s day cards. It didn’t happen. I’m a little aggravated and disappointed at myself. We got to Target, to the card section, I started looking and reading and there it happened. Carrie broke down. Dang it. Sorry Mom. Sorry Carmen. Sorry Adrianna. I tried. I really tried. I WANTED to. Joe hugged me and told me everyone will understand. It probably didn’t help that I kept seeing “son” on so many cards…

A few of the boys came to see us Thursday evening. We fed them some pizza and listened to them laugh in the game room. It was good to hear tha, almost feels like Zane was with them. I didn’t even mind cleaning up after the monsters just so I could see them.

I asked Joe to take me out of town this weekend. I needed a distraction even though I can’t forget Sunday is approaching. I didn’t feel like celebrating yet another first holiday without Zane. Especially this one. The one holiday that is suppose to make us mothers feels super special. I don’t feel so special. I feel kind of lonely. When you once had two boys on this Earth to hug and now only have one, life is not the same. It sucks. My Daniel is my world. But my Zane is my world in a different way now.

I have a picture of Zane with a cake he made me for mother’s day. He was sitting on the island in the kitchen. I’m thinking he was about 8 but I can’t find that picture anywhere. I can tell you exactly what the pic looked like. The cake was three tier, round, the icing was chocolate, the writing was green and it had rainbow sprinkles all over it. He looked so proud.

I won’t get a card with his signature on it. I won’t even get a text like I have for the last 3 or 4 years. He won’t go to lunch or dinner with us as a family. I won’t hear him say “Mom!” (which hurts the most). And he won’t bake me a cake. But I’m still his mom. I loved him first.

I love you Zane and I know you love me too. A mother’s love is forever. It’s still my mother’s day.

2 thoughts on “I’m Still His Mom This Mother’s Day

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