Suicide Awareness

Make It Count

As we were trolling around a store on Saturday, May 12th in Dallas, I came upon a book and decided to buy it for Zeagan. It was Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s an animated book about Baby Groot going to sleep. Perfect right? Well here’s why I’m telling you…I open Facebook, at which I told myself I wasn’t going to but I did anyways and on my memories was on May 13th, 2017 we went to go see Guardians of the Galaxy 2. We took Zane and his friend Joseph. It was the last movie we ever took him to. The last one. The last one I ever shared with my baby boy. Ok if that’s not weird I don’t know what is!!!!!! I can’t even bring myself to watch the third movie because I feel guilty. I feel guilty seeing anything he would have enjoyed. I can’t even go see the new Avengers or Dead Pool. It took me the longest time to watch Wonder Woman. I’ve already mentioned the guilt I have listening to new music. 5FDP just came out with their new album. I’m having a hard time listening to the new songs.

I saw a quote on Facebook…

“You will never have this day again, so make it count.”

How true is this. If you can take anything to heart from reading my blog today, please reread that quote. I will never get the morning of July 26th back when I saw his face for the last time. I may have it imbedded in my mind forever but it’s not the same.

I had the wackiest dream. I was at the Post office getting stamps at one of the machine kiosks. Well instead of just giving me one sheat it kept spitting them out…$300 worth. Gorilla stamps. And I said “Oh well, I guess I’ll have enough stamps for quite a while.”. What? I don’t understand dreams. Now why couldn’t I have had a dream about Zane? Why on Earth did I have a dream about getting $300 worth of Gorilla stamps? Our subconscious is stupid.

Wednesday morning while drying my hair I had a flashback of the morning of the funeral. It was the one and only day I ‘styled’ my hair for about 3 weeks. We had stayed at Kerri and DJs and I had to borrow her dryer and flat iron. It took every ounce of energy to get it done. It was raining, not sure why I straightened it, partly because I didn’t really care. I dreaded putting on the black dress I would wear for the last time. Eric told us that we were ninjas because no one even heard us get ready and leave the house. As I’m typing this I’m remembering more…

Joe and I were headed to McDonald’s to get me a frappe that same morning. ‘Tears In Heaven’ by Eric Clapton came on the radio. I tried to change it, pressed every key on the display. Nothing. It wasn’t going to budge. I was getting mad. But I slapped my legs and said “ok, fine Zane, we will listen to it.”

I put new flowers out and went to say hi. I suppose my blog isn’t the place to complain, but the cemetery isn’t being taken care of very well. I need to call the city and have a little talk. Weeds and stickers have taken over and I’m pretty sure the grass is not being watered. But enough of that…

Do you ever wonder how our angels celebrate their birthdays? I close my eyes and see my niece Elinda on her 27th birthday (May 17th, who left us Oct 21, 2000) gathering everyone up to do the Cupid’s Shuffle. Her favorite dance song. Oh she loved to dance. Zane would definitely do anything for her so I know he was dancing with her.

Dance like no one’s watching. Make it Count.

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