Suicide Awareness

Double Digits

The mornings are getting warmer and ten months came so fast. I still cry every day. Every. Single. Day.

I’m still not wearing eyeliner for fear of looking goth in the middle of the day from a random breakdown. I’m lucky to put mascara on. I still stare off into space wondering if he’s ok. Is my baby boy ok? Is he at peace? I used to try to hide my eyes when they would well up with tears, now I just go about thinking about him. I’ve learned that not everyone needs to know what is wrong.

Monday evening Joe, Adrianna and I were able to attend graduation for Stephen, one of Zane’s boys. Stephen should have graduated in 2019 but he went through a fast track program. He thought this would suit him better. We are all so proud of him and guarantee Zane is too.

Tuesday was our big night. Not only did I get to present my niece’s , Elinda, 8th annual scholarship, Joe and I presented Zane’s first scholarship. The scholarship committee at SPC chooses the recipient and I did not find out who was getting the award until that night. Come to find out it was Maribel, Johnny’s girlfriend! So special. She is majoring in design communication. Zane would be proud of her. He loved art so much. He was talented and apparently she is too. Maribel plans on studying architecture. How fitting.

It took me a few days to decide what to say up at the podium. I kept it short and sweet. I didn’t want to bore the students.

“A woman I had never met before recently told me that if you say their name, they never go away. Well I guess this is one way of doing it. The first annual Zane Morgan Timmons Memorial Scholarship in the amount of $500 goes to Maribel Tavarez.”

Look out class of 2019, Zane’s class, I’m not sure if I will be able to talk or yet be able to stop talking….

We will be planning a fundraiser soon to start the endowment fund account at SPC. We need a certain amount to open the account and then have 3 years to collect the entire 10k. I KNOW we can do this. We have a beautiful custom hand painted electric guitar by Sheldon Ross we will be auctioning off. This guitar will be so hard to let go of because it means so much to us. The night Zane left us, Sheldon stayed up all night and air brushed this guitar. It’s one-of-a-kind.

For Zane’s 15th birthday he wanted an acoustic guitar and of course he got one. He asked Sheldon to customize it for him and 45 minutes later with a sharpie…Zane’s guitar was done. Remarkable. So naturally Sheldon would create another amazing piece and why not use this guitar to raise money to send students to college?

My love/hate relationship with social media is at an all time high. Seeing posts about the end of the school year bothers me. Whether it’s a 1st grader or a junior, I’m crushed. My son didn’t start his school year. My son didn’t finish his school year. My son is gone. My heart hurts. I cried myself to sleep last night. My precious son is gone.

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