Suicide Awareness

Know His Soul

Some things just are not the same thing.

Black vs white.

Night vs day.

Sweet tea vs unsweetened tea.

Your son off at college whom you haven’t seen in a few months vs never seeing your son alive again.

Not the same.

I know, giving people the benefit of the doubt, that sometimes they do not know what to say when they hear my story. I really understand it. I slip and say things that bother my own ears. But telling me you miss your son who is away at college AFTER you learn I will never see mine again…ouch.

I want to bake Zane cookies. Is that weird? Might be. Zane didn’t ask much of me. He was so low maintenance. I wish now he had been more needy. I hear parents complain about how much they do for their kids. Wash their clothes, pick up after them, wake them up for school or work, etc. The only thing I really ever did for Zane was still wash his clothes. And I made dinner. He loved for me to make dinner. Even though my food was always so simple, he loved my cooking. What I would do to pick up pair of his stinky crusty socks….

How many of you mix your refried beans and rice together when eating at a Mexican food restaurant? I don’t but guess who did? Zane gave credit to his Aunt Cheryl for that habit. We took Julie and Myka to dinner one evening and as our plates were being placed on the table, my eyes lit up. Myka was mixing her beans and rice. I looked at Joe and just smiled. He knew exactly why.

Oh man Zeagan proves to have Zane’s vocabulary more and more. The only thing he hasn’t done yet is grammar correct but I’m sure that’s next! When it was raining the other night, Zeagan opened the front door and was looking outside. Joe told him “oh no, Gigi’s car is getting wet!”. Zeagan’s response was “Oh no that’s terrible!!”. What?? This kid! Not only did he use big word, he used it in the correct context. I am convinced we are doomed.

We pushed through another holiday. Father’s Day has been crossed out. I tried to keep Joe busy on Sunday. Our holiday ‘firsts’ are coming to an end. Less than six weeks till the one year anniversary. God help me please.

Last night Joe and I watched a movie called ‘The Midnight Sun’. I should have known from the beginning it wasn’t going to end super happy but all in all it was a good movie. The young man main character resembled Zane. This seems to happen often. But if you watch the movie I promise you will see the resemblance. His demeanor is also strangely close. There’s always a moral to a story…live life to the fullest. All the way to the end. If you liked the movie ‘A Walk To Remember’ then you will like this one.

This morning we we’re getting into the car and there were puddles of water from the rain the other day. Joe clearly told Zeagan to NOT step in the water. What did Zeagan do? He put ONE tip of his right shoe in a puddle. Total defiance. I couldn’t stop laughing. In fact I stood on the porch for about 3 minutes laughing and coughing (I’ve been sick). I asked Joe “you know who would have done that right?!?” And he answered “oh yeah, sure do…his uncle!”.

Zane totally put him up to that. How else would a two year old know to do that? 🀣

We ran a few errands in Lubbock and as we were leaving my mom’s house a boy about Zane’s age was mowing at the house down the street. Another memory. A week before Zane left us he surprised me by showing up at the salon. He was all sweaty and I had no idea he had come to Lubbock. Normally he would have still been asleep. I asked him why he was there and he told me he had just mowed Memaw and Pawpaw’s yard. They didn’t even ask him to. He just did it. Got up, got dressed, and mowed his grandparents yard for no reason. And not to be payed. In fact he would only accept coke money…$5. This was my child. This was my Zane.

I hope with every blog if you didn’t know him, you are getting to know him more. Because he’s hard to forget. My butterfly might have lived a short time, but his memory will last forever πŸ’œπŸ¦‹.

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