― Ernest Hemingway
This is more than true. The world breaks EVERYONE. But some of us “look” strong in front of the world. I had a nice talk with a friend who is grieving for her sister. We are hurting more than I think we ourselves realize. Jamie left us the day after Zane. Double whammy. In front of the big wide open world we put on a pretty smile. But as soon as we close our front door, we break down. Every single day. Or the minute we close our car door to go home. We are forever changed.
Thursday I got a call from the monument place. Dustin sent me the final proof. My heart raced as I opened the email. This was it. The yay or nay. I quickly sent it to Joe because I needed his approval too. I couldn’t leave it all on my shoulders. It’s perfect. We are satisfied. Now to wait for the result and delivery. Makes me sick to my stomach. The entire monument will not be complete but the main piece should be here by his one year anniversary hopefully. Fingers crossed.
That night Adrianna texted me that Zeagan was asking where Zane Zane was. She was having a hard time answering him in a way he would understand. The only thing I could think of to say is to keep repeating he has gone to Heaven. Zeagan will eventually get it. It’s wild how he was only a year and half but he remembers Zane so vividly. It could be because we never stop talking about him. It made Adrianna pretty sad.
At the gym Zane’s song came on my ipod…’Remember Everything’. As soon as I turned on my car, it was on. Ironic. I guess he wanted me to hear it. Well I listened. And I sang out loud and cried, sat in my driveway and yelled. I got a little angry and asked God a few questions. I suppose that’s why I haven’t been myself all day.
On my way home from work yesterday a Jeep with the top off of 4 high school kids turned on the street. An instant sadness took over. They were so happy. The beautiful summer sun, the heat, the time of year, their age, not a care in the world. Zane should have been riding around getting a drink, going to castle park right about now. He should be enjoying his has summer before his senior year.
I needed to rearrange the spare room and finally go through a few things. Of course I have tons of pictures stuffed in multiple places and I’m pretty sure most of my time spent was looking at photos. I found pictures of the day Zane was born… before the digital age so they’re all paper copies. I cried for an hour. To know I held him at that moment and now I can’t, is so unbelievable. Pictures…take them.
Tomorrow I will attend the funeral of my coworker’s husband. He was in a car accident Wednesday. Lexie and baby Jay will now have to travel this road. I will never understand these paths we must take.