Suicide Awareness

335

“The trouble is, you think you have time.”

~Buddah

I talked to a friend about going to a place where we had never been before, Key West. New memories. She was right, it was a great start to healing for Joe and I. Everywhere I turned I didn’t want to cry because we had experienced a special memory with Zane. I did smile knowing he was with us tho, especially while visiting the butterflies. At that moment I knew he was all around us.

Sunday I continued my cleaning out process but in my room this time. I have several books that I want to donate but I thought I had better flip through them in case I left a book mark. I found 3. Guess who made them for me? You guessed it…my baby. Just when I need to feel him the most, I do.

The boys came to visit that evening. As usual, my house was loud and obnoxious. I loved every second of it. But what I love the most is every time they come over, they gather around the pool table and tell stories of their current lives and reminisce about the past. I miss so much of what is going on with them now that I don’t see them every weekend or during lunch. I never want to lose touch. Don’t get me wrong, part of my heart hurts when I hear how their lives are moving on but I’m happy to know they’re doing ok. Zane would be happy to know his boys are doing good. He loved them so much.

Sunday night I didn’t get much sleep. I tossed and turned. Lexie was on my mind. Monday morning she was to do the same thing I did eleven months ago, only difference being she was laying to rest her husband. I remember how I felt the night before and I can only imagine Lexie was somewhat similar. I was hoping she would just show up in her PJs, comfortable, not a care in the world. I look back and that’s how I should have dressed since I gave that black dress away anyways. I did not go in the chapel (still too soon) but from what I could tell Lexie looked beautiful. She has many long days ahead of her, I will think of her often. Baby Jay will know his daddy like Zeagan will know his uncle.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was month 11. That number 26 doesn’t slip by me very easily. I’m starting to lose my mind all over again. I want to go back in time.

One thought on “335

  1. Carrie, the continued strength you and Joel have is so powerful to see, even when you feel at your weakest you are stronger than so so many. As someone who lost a dear friend when she was a junior in high school I too hope that the boys keep coming around, and in my heart I know they will. I love you and think of you so much more often than I show.

    Liked by 1 person

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