Suicide Awareness

July Is Here

I’m not sure why I do it to myself. I watch movies that make me tear up. Then I watch movies that make me flat out cry. Here I am watching ‘A Walk To Remember’. I know better. I should be in bed but I can’t make myself go, I have to finish the movie. Now I’ll go to bed with a stopped up nose. My heart skips a beat when I hear a few lines from the movie. “I’m sorry she never got her miracle.”…”Landon, she did, it was you.” (I wish Zane had gotten his miracle).

And my favorite one is “You have to promise you won’t fall in love with me.” (All Zane knew was love).

Thursdays are my usual day to have Zeagan. Adrianna got off work early so I dropped him off at home and had the opportunity to go get a pedicure. But instead in 102° I sat at the cemetery. I usually talk but this time I just sat there. I needed some quiet time but I hate my thoughts. I absolutely hate them. I start seeing horrible images.

I have a touchy subject. Hiding/deleting friends on Facebook. Nowadays we all seem to easily get booty hurt and I’m obviously hyper sensitive so recently I’ve encountered something I can’t handle. A friend changed their profile picture to what seems to be a political statement. I would never comment or say a word to this person about it because it’s not my place. Facebook is public and it’s their right to express any how they please. The political-ness is not what got to me, it was the nature of the scene. I didn’t immediately hide them, I thought since I wouldn’t be scrolling through my feed and see a profile pic change that I could handle it (it would be just a tiny circle picture). But that’s not the case, every time I see one of their posts, I see that image first and foremost. So my simple solution is to hide them. No big deal. I’m sure I’ve been hidden from many newsfeeds. Consequences of being human.

Sunday evening I was cutting TJs hair at the house. Out of no where he asks what that smell was. I had no idea what he was talking about. TJ said it smelled like Zane. He tilted his head towards me and realized it was my clothes and said “well ha, that makes sense, you’ve always done the laundry so no wonder.” Even almost a year later TJ remembers that smell. I can guarantee all of the others boys do too.

Daniel didn’t sleep well last night, which seems to be pretty common these days so Adrianna needed me to pick her up for work this morning. I was in the middle of getting ready when she texted me so I got only ‘half’ dressed…shorts and my cami, I could put my blouse on later before I left for Lubbock. This is where I have a flashback that once again I had forgotten about, but it’s a funny one.

It had to have been in August or maybe early September, right after we moved into the new house. Joe, Kerri, Nelda, Cyrene and I were unpacking and arranging the house as best as we could. I clearly remember Kerri making fun of my number of clothes with tags still on them 🤔. It was lunch time so off to Savannah’s we went. As I was getting out of Kerri’s car I quickly realized I only had my cami on, I forgot my blouse. Whoops! Thank goodness it was 100+° so no one cared. I was embarrassed. I’ve never done that before, ever. That’s how out of it I was.

July is apparently bereaved parent’s month. How appropriate. Joe and I may not be ourselves this month. Love us a little more.

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