Getting Closer

Wednesday I made dinner and I asked Joe to cut up a few pieces of chicken for the kids (Kai’Dyn, Riot, and TJ’s niece and nephew). Well he cut up enough for me too. Then proceeded to make a funny remark about how he used to cut up mine and Zane’s meat so he might as well cut up everyone else’s too. I couldn’t help but laugh. Once again I had forgotten. Gee that not only shows how spoiled Zane was but how spoiled I am too 🤪.

I was helping the kids clean their room (btw, for those of you that don’t know, Joe and I have taken temporary custody of Kai’Dyn and Riot) and out of no where I pulled a receipt from under the computer desk. It was from Hot Topic dated May 2017. The receipt was for Zane’s gray beanie that he had bought when him and Daniel had gone to Lubbock together. I remember the day. He had misplaced his other beanie so he needed an emergency one. How it was in the room I have NO idea…but it made my heart go nuts. I was in disbelief at what I was looking at. Myka kept asking me what I was staring at and I answered I don’t know. She asked me if I was ok and I said no. Nope, I wasn’t ok. Zane had been there.

The kids and I were getting out of the car yesterday afternoon and Kai’Dyn says “Zane is here!”. My neck almost snapped again as I turned to asked what she meant. She said “Zane is here! There are butterflies flying around in a group!”. Oh…I’ve been in a blah mood the last week or so and that brightened my day. Through the eyes of a child.

I took Adrianna and Zeagan home yesterday and Daniel has Zane’s car at their house working on the stereo. I asked Zeagan who’s car it was at their house and of course he said it was Zane Zane’s. He then pooped up and said “Get me out! I’m gonna go see Zane Zane!” Another heart dropping moment.

I haven’t had the motivation to write lately, nor the time. I feel like I’ve been keeping so much bottled up. THE day is coming closer and closer. I know it’s just a day. Just a number. Just a date. But to me it’s the day my world ended. It’s the day I had to be told my son was dead. My baby. My youngest child. My sweet handsome baby boy. A date I’ll never forget. A date I’ll hate as long as I breathe. The day a mom lost half of her.

Speaking of dates, today is July 20th. Why do I remember this day a year ago so clearly? Zane had a dermatologist appointment but he didn’t want to hang out in Lubbock with me all day so he followed me in his car. My mom and dad met us at the Dr to get Zeagan. Zane, Zeagan and I told my mom Happ birthday. We went to his appointment, he left to go home and probably sleep and I stayed in Lubbock to run errands. By the time Zeagan and I got home I heard the news of Chester Bennington’s death by suicide. Zane and I talked about it while Zeagan played outside. I’m not sure how he truly felt about Chester’s passing. Me on the other hand, it bothered me since Linkin Park has always been a favorite of mine.

This morning as I was leaving the house I heard sirens. That awful sound. The sound of terror.

“There are things that we can have but can’t keep…”

~Chester Bennington ‘One More Light’

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