Suicide Awareness

July 26th…365 Days

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

This was the quote I got on my daily email this morning 💜.

In one year life has continued. Not necessarily gone on but continued.

In one year life has not gone on for my son. He’s gone. Worst year of my life. But crazy things continue to happen.

As I was leaving Katherine’s house Sunday from picking up Zeagan I went a different way. The street came out directly across from the cemetery from where I was turning. Zeagan immediately said “Angels!!! Zane Zane’s angel’s!” I burst into tears. How can a two and a half year old know this. He SHOULDN’T know this. But he will now forever associate Zane with the dreaded cemetery.

At the gym, listening to my music, I have several songs from Zane’s service on my playlist. The first song that came on was 7 Years (ya know, the song Zane loved to annoy me with on the piano?🤣). Then another, and another… Remember Everything…and another…Snuff, and another…what on Earth??? My playlist is supposed to be on shuffle. It’s always on shuffle. It was on shuffle the day before and had not been touched by anyone. When I was finished and putting up my headphones, I looked at my ipod to see if I was dreaming. Nope. Wasn’t on shuffle.

Dear Zane,

In one year so much has changed. My heart has never hurt so much. Your dad and brother are lost without you. Zeagan remembers you like the day you left. He has become SO tall and doesn’t look like a two and half year old. Mia at times has been quite difficult to handle. She misses you so much, there are days she gets so sad and it’s obvious. She hides in the closet because it’s dark, like your room used to be. Tora has taken your penguin pillow as hostage. It’s officially hers. She sleeps on it every night, I no longer get to cuddle with it.

Most of the boys still visit and your friends are about to start their senior year. This next school year is going to be rough. While I’ll be happy for them, I’m crushed. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle graduation. You should be starting your last day of the first day of school. God, I’m so broken.

Next weekend we are taking my car and your car to the We Are Mopar car show. Your dad and Daniel have been working so hard on your car to make it perfect. They have done everything to it so far that you talked about doing plus some. Your brother has taken extra care and will not let anyone touch your car. He’s so proud to drive it. We are waiting on the back rear window louver to come in so dad can put it on. He is so excited because he knew you wanted to have one on your car.

Well we still haven’t sold the house. It’s just sitting there. Dad and I just haven’t had the energy. We are also waiting on your headstone too. Hopefully it will be here in mid to late August. Dad and Izayah planted grass seed so your new home would start looking beautiful. You know your dad, it’s all or nothing…it’s going to look like a football field!

There’s been so many new songs to come out. I’ve felt so guilty every time I’ve listened to each one too. But music seems to calm my nerves. As I know it did yours too. I’m sure the kids will be playing music at the balloon release tonight that they are putting together.

One year came so fast. You are my sunshine. My everything. I will love you forever. I will say your name every day.

My pieces are all over the ground.

This morning it was raining. The day of your funeral it was raining. You loved the rain. It stopped around noon. The day of your funeral it stopped around noon. How fitting.

“They

say don’t let them in
Close your eyes and clear your thoughts again
But when I’m all alone, they show up on their own
‘Cause inner demons fight their battles with fire
Inner demons don’t play by the rules
They say “Just push them down, just fight them harder
Why would you give up on it so soon?

So angels, angels please just keep on fighting
Angels don’t give up on me today
‘Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting
‘Cause inner demons just won’t go away
So angels please, hear my prayer
Life is pain, life’s not fair
So angels please, please stay here
Take the pain, take the fear
They say it won’t be hard, they can’t see the battles in my heart
But when I turn away
The demons seem to stay
‘Cause inner demons don’t play well with angels
They cheat and lie and steal and break and bruise
Angels please protect me from these rebels
This is a battle I don’t want to lose
So angels, angels please just keep on fighting
Angels don’t give up on me today
‘Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting
‘Cause inner demons just won’t go away
So angels, angels please keep on fighting
Angels don’t give up on me today
‘Cause the demons they are there, they just keep biting
‘Cause inner demons just won’t go away
So angels please, hear my prayer
Life is pain, life’s not fair
So angels please, please stay here
Take the pain, take the

fear.” ~Juilia Brennan

Baby boy, I’m so sorry your angels didn’t save you from your demons. But your pain is gone.

Mine has only begun.

One thought on “July 26th…365 Days

  1. I truly believe that kids see the angels and even the loved one you have lost!!! I remember when my mom passed away, Jordan was little and I was crying because I missed my mom and needed her and Jordan said grandma why are you crying and I said because I miss my mom and he said why she is right beside you!!! And after Jayden passed Keegan would be in his room playing, laughing and talking to someone and we would ask him who he was playing with and he would say Jayden, he is right there and would point in the direction where he was playing!!! I think there minds are so innocent and they are actually open to the other side!!! My heart has been with you all day!!! I love you sweetie!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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