Why does it feel like yesterday when someone dies and a significant amount of time has passed? Why does God play tricks on our minds making us think it just happened? It only makes it hurt more all over again
Kai’Dyn and I had a movie night, watching Penelope which I had never seen. In one scene Penelope, the main character, asks her potential suitor to play an instrument while she guesses which one he plays best. And the song he plays is “You Are My Sunshine”. That’s the song I sang to the boys as babies and little boys. I wrote it on the casket. He’s my sunshine.
On one of my Support group pages on FB a mother posted about her son giving the gift of sight after his death. That had to be a proud moment for her. Yes, I know her child is gone, but her child gave something so beautiful to someone else. A few months after Zane died I remember asking Joe why he wasn’t able to donate. Apparently I didn’t even remotely think about that at the time. He explained and I suppose I should have known the answer but I wasn’t thinking. Too much time had passed although things probably could have been handled a different way.
Sunday evening I gave an interview to Jayme Lazano at the Lubbock Avalanche Journal. She caught wind of my blog on Facebook and read about us taking Zane’s car to We Are Mopar in Ft Worth this weekend. Jayme has had a personal experience with suicide and wanted to know more about my baby boy and the effects of losing him it has had on my family and I. She aslo wanted to see his drawings and details of the modifications we’ve done on the Challenger. I personally think the interview went well and can’t wait to see the article. I hope this is an opportunity to reach out to more people who are possibly suffering or who need a little reassurance.
I needed to stop into a local business to pick up a few papers on Monday and was greeted with a somber face. A kind hearted soul took me to her office to get the paperwork and to chat. I have not met her in person before but she knew me. We began to talk and she hugged me. She told me she frequently reads my blog and prays for my family and I. She reads my blog for hope…for faith…for knowledge that she herself will be ok. She told me she lost her husband a few months back. From there our conversation got a little more in depth and more personal. All too familiar. Although I may be angry with God, I know for certain He puts people in our paths that supposed to be there. I was supposed to be there, as was she. We needed that talk, we needed that hug, we needed that cry. Connected forever in way that we shouldn’t be.
I went to the cemetery that evening and I’m not sure what made me think about it but I had a flashback. Earlier that day Erica had done my hair. While I was at the cemetery I texted Erica and told her I remember calling her on THE day. But I didn’t remember exactly what I said, just that I needed to cancel my hair appointment the next day because my son was gone. Apparently that’s all I said. She had to find out from Joycelyn which son and if I was ok. I was so hysterical I cancelled my hair appointment. I didn’t even know I did that till 4 days ago. Erica wanted to get to me as fast as she could but she didn’t know where I lived. I still can’t believe I called to cancel.
Joe and I came to the allergy Dr today and all of the staff were wearing their Asthma Camp shirts. Zane went to the asthma camp a few times. So seeing their shirts was bittersweet. Dr. Herman would always tease Zane about how Zane would say he was breathing just fine when in fact he was not.
I thought the 26th would be the end of the hardest days. I was wrong. Little did I realize the 31st was the day we buried my sweet boy. I honestly had no idea of the day. Facebook told me tho, loud and clear. July 31, 2017 was the second worst day of my life…I saw his face for the last time as I walked (the hall was the longest walk ever, not counting passing out) out of the church. I touched him for the last time. I straightened his shirt for the last time. I made sure his hat was on just right for the last time. I made sure Dylon’s US Marine Corp coin and the silver dollar Daniel gave him were in his hands. The Pepsi and Monster drinks were safe beside him along with all of the letters his friends and family wrote for the last time…all on July 31st. Now I hate July 26 and July 31.
Tonite I watched Daniel finish detailing Zane’s car. I cried. My baby doesn’t get to enjoy the car show.
You are my sunshine. My everything.