God, I Hope He’s Okay

It’s hard to hide tears but I think I’ve learned to do it well. After a year it’s become habit. That shouldn’t be the case but well, ya know.

A client was talking about her AP classes…

Zane was going to take them.


Zane was in art.


Zane was in theatre.


How am I going to do it this year? How am I going to be able to watch all of his friends graduate? How am I going to be able to watch his friends parents be so damn happy? I know his friends miss him but they’re doing fine. They reminisce when they come over and I love it. But they’re fine (well not all of them are fine, one in particular is still struggling immensely). We’re not.

After getting home from the gym, something made me turnaround and look at the cars parked under the carport. Tears poured. My car and his, parked beside each other, just like the day I took the picture of ours cars under the carport at the old house after we gave him his car. His dad already had started letting him park there, because he knew how much that car meant to Zane. And now the Challenger still gets parked under the carport.

The Grand Canyon…I was reminded of a trip to Oregon from a silly “make you tear up” commercial. In the summer of 2000 Joe, Cheryl, Elinda, Craig, Daniel and I drove to Oregon to see my my mom and Phil while they were living there before they moved back to Texas. I was pregnant with Zane, my baby boy. This commercial was about an expecting mom introducing her unborn child to the ocean and the forest. I introduced Zane to the Grand Canyon. This was the only time he ever went there. We walked to the edge, saw this beautiful canyon full of color. My big belly saw it first. Zane was there. Zane experienced it with us.

While I appreciate EVERY bit of love for my birthday…there’s not much that’s happy about it and it has nothing to do with turning 40. Second birthday in a row to not get a text from my sweet boy. It was just another day but I was 125% loved by family and friends.

I always wonder if he’s ok. But…

I feel so defeated.

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