“The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.”
― Helen Keller
While I feel empty most of the time, I feel him constantly.
Funerals. Celebrations of life. Services. Since Zane’s I have dreadfully attended 5. I should have gone to one more but I just couldn’t go, I wasn’t in the right state of mind (and there was another but was too far away and was too close to Zane’s). Amazing how God could call home so many so quickly that I know…5 of the 6 under the age of 46. I don’t understand. Funerals will never be the same to me. I’ll never be able to look at a casket. All 5 I wasn’t able to look. 3 of the 5 I didn’t even go in, I stayed in the lobby where the tv was. Why I went I’m not sure, I felt I needed to. I needed to be there. Strange how I feel like I can go to a funeral easier than a wedding. I want to walk away from this state of grief. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard.
Yesterday Joe went to the cemetery to put ant poison out by Zane’s marker. He turned the corner and something caught his eye from the road. You couldn’t miss it. The headstone had been delivered, barely. No more than two minutes after Joe walked out there it started raining. Yep, raining. He loved the rain. He LOVES the rain. I take it as a sign he approves. I hope he likes it. Joe took me and the kids to see it when I got home from work. I sat in the car and cried for about 20 minutes. It was difficult to get out. I was nauseous but I put a smile on my face. I stared. I talked to him in my mind.
I talked to Dustin Saddler (Saddler Monument, the company who created the beautiful piece…and I completely recommend them) on the phone today. He said it perfectly…”It’s beautiful, it doesn’t just say his name, it says who he was, who he is. It speaks his name. It shows who he is. I’ve never done anything like it.” It may have taken a little longer than we all thought to get it here but it was worth the wait. His friends now have a true place to talk to Zane.
Recently I’ve met another mom who is walking the same green mile. While we have only talked through texting, I feel like I know her so well. She is suffering the same. While we have formed a friendship, I hate that it has begun this way. We are forever connected. Our stories are remarkably alike, all the way to specific details before our boys left us. Our perfect boys. Our angels. We are convinced our babies brought us together for a reason. She told me her son never liked to be alone. Zane is with him.
This morning I found a penny beside the bed. At Wal-Mart I found a dime on the ground. I feel you. Zane, I feel you ❤️.
October 14th Lubbock Texas
Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention and Awareness