Suicide Awareness

Signs

My imagination is a terrible thing. It’s a monster. It likes to play tricks on me. I will be driving in my car to work and I hear things. I’m not sure if it’s voices or just noises. What I WANT to believe is it’s a voice. I WANT to believe it’s HIS voice. But I don’t know. Like I said, tricks.

β€œLiving in the past is a dull and lonely business; looking back strains the neck muscles, causes you to bump into people not going your way.”

― Edna Ferber

Dear Edna,

Technically I’m not “living” in the past…Zane is gone. And I will “live” in my past as long as I please because I’m greaving. I lost a child. A wonderful one at that. I would LOVE to strain my neck and bump into him.

This was my quote of the day today. Maybe it was a message. Haha, a message I won’t take to heart. I felt like I was talking to Edna from The Incredibles…

Joe told me that several days ago that while he was driving the Challenger the driver’s side window glitched. It rolled down as if the door had opened and shut (in a Challenger, the window will slightly roll down maybe an inch or so when the door opens then it will roll up when the door is closed). He said it did this several times, up and down then finally quit. I think Zane was telling his daddy hello πŸ’œ.

When Joe told me about the window, it reminded me about Zane freaking out over his windows after he got his car. The day he drove it home, that Thursday from school, he came in the house and asked me to come outside. The car was still running and he opened the door. He said “Look! Did you see that? The window opened! Is something wrong with it?”…it made me giggle. I told him it was supposed to do that and we both laughed.

Joe then reminded me of the time Zane pulled up to the house, left the car running, and ran into the house yelling for him to come outside. He thought something was wrong with the car. He said the car keeps making some strange noise. So Joe went outside and again, giggled. He said “Zane, it’s your fan.”. Oh…haha. The 16 year old was still learning about cars. This was all right after he got it so it was all new to him. Silly boy.

By the way, the quote on the front of Zane’s monument…

“What if I fall?”

“Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”

-Peter Pan

…was a surprise for his cousin Cyrene. She had NO idea we were having it done. Zane was her Peter Pan and she was his mermaid. Forever and Always.

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