I Still Ask Why

Big question…

What if?

What if it was YOUR child?

Think about it. Dwell on that thought. Ponder. Because guess what? Yes, it CAN happen to YOU. Just ask Kelly (Thomas), Renee (Riley), Kate’s family, Anthony’s family, Rusty’s family, Lila (Alex), Robin’s family, Chester’s family, Chris’s family, Daniel… Adrianna… Zeagan… Joe… me…

I could go on and on and on. No one is immune. I thought I was. In fact I never even thought about it. Well, not about Zane ever even coming close to that point. Why would he? Let’s break it down:

Good family, great friends, good grades, nice house, nice car, food in the fridge, spoiled rotten, handsome, dreams, two parents who are still married, a brother he was becoming closer to, the cutest nephew ever, a sister-in-law he called his sister, Mia the lab who has the exact same personality, and love. Lots of love.

The flip side: anxiety, depression and love. We knew about the anxiety, just thought the depression was normal 16 year old stuff. We were wrong. Love. He loved too much. He loved too hard. He wasn’t loved enough to be honest to. My son died of a broken heart. Have you ever had your heart broken? It hurts. Even for a teen. He had so many demons. We all have them, he just had too many to bear.

I’ve been having a rough time with feeling like he’s being forgotten. The school I thought he belonged to for so long has dismissed his name. Last year we were told because of the way he died, suicide, that he cannot be remembered like another student that has passed on. They didn’t want to start an epidemic. Whatever. We dropped it. Not worth it. I just hate that my son’s memory is being punished for his mental health. Why do people think mental health is an alien life form? But whether Levelland likes it or not, Zane existed, Zane went to school there thru the 10th grade, Zane was unnoticed because he was a GREAT student but not a current athlete due to brain surgery.

I feel like I’m standing in the middle of an interstate median during rush hour traffic and I’m invisible. Let me start that over…I feel like his memory is in the middle of the median and no one is looking back. I understand I can’t bring him back. I’m not dumb. What I want to do with his memory and legacy is to save someone. I want to save another mother this agony, this pain.

Today is 14 months since he left us. 14 months of fighting my heart. This is a fight I’ll never win but I have another battle…to prevent another suicide. Life is so important. It doesn’t matter who you are, my child, your child, or you.

Walk with us. I do not want any more parents to wear white beads like my husband and I do.

Out of the Darkness Suicide Awareness and Prevention Walk
Sunday October 14th in Lubbock
Team #flyhighzane

Sunday October 28th
Speak Up/Reach Out

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