18 years ago at 5:05 a.m. this morning I delivered a beautiful baby boy by C-section after going into labor four weeks early. God only allowed me to have this child for 16 years, 9 months, and 19 days. He isn’t here to celebrate his 18th birthday. He isn’t here to celebrate one of life’s biggest milestones. At 5 p.m. at the age of 16 God allowed him to take his own life. This is my human side talking. This is the MOM side talking. This is the bitter side talking.
One year ago today I started this blog. It has definitely served it’s purpose. I can let what’s going on in my mind out freely. The ones who suggested it had the right thing in mind.
Thursday after I dropped Adrianna off at home I went to see Zane for a minute. I entered the cemetery a different direction so the sun was facing the back side of the stone. Oh my. It’s so new I’m still trying to get used to it and the beauty of it. It reflected every sun ray and looked like a mirror. The black stone is just like glass. As soon as I walked out there, it started to rain. I knew he was there. If you haven’t been out there, I promise it’s a sight to see in person.
I took off of work yesterday for two reasons, because it was Zane’s birthday weekend and Riot had a field trip to the corn maze in Shallowater. As soon as Joe and I arrived to the maze memories flooded me of when we had Zane’s birthday parties there. We had at least 3 there and he loved every one. The kids would live it up out there and the adults would have to do nothing but sit and watch. That’s probably the last time we’ve been out there, for his 9th birthday. Riot had a good time with his friends and classmates. I’m glad Joe and I were able to make it.
Friday morning before we went to the maze, Joe had a conversation with a friend of ours. After everything had happened she didn’t know how to approach us. She felt guilty, cheated. She told him every morning she is always on time, never forgets anything but one morning she needed to go back home. Well, her son apparently was attempting suicide. She was able to stop it. This happened before Zane left us. When her son found out about Zane he wanted to talk to us but she didn’t want him to yet. He wanted to tell us that it wasn’t our fault. That is the one thing he told his mother. It wasn’t her fault. When Joe told me my heart almost stopped. I’ve always felt like it was my fault. As a mom, you always blame yourself. It’s nature. But hearing that made me burst into tears.
This morning Joe, the kids and I got up early for a Saturday morning and headed out to Zane’s home. I planned birthday party for my sweet boy. When we arrived Austin was already there so he joined us. We decorated, put ‘happy birthday’ necklaces on, and silly hats on. Then we sang. My sweet child would be 18. To me he IS 18. I bought new flowers as well. Then guess what?
I don’t believe they’re tears from heaven, I believe he’s telling me he’s ok. Every time it rains when I see him, he’s telling me it’s ok. But I’m not ok. I’m ok with the fact that he’s no longer in pain, his heart doesn’t hurt, he doesn’t have to deal with the turmoil of this crappy world, that his heart isn’t being broken.
After the party we left for Carlsbad Caverns. As we were walking in the caverns, butterflies everywhere. This time they were yellow. The kids had a great time.
So the rain is a good sign. He loved rain. So I love rain. Keep the rain coming, until I see you again 💜.
Happy birthday my baby.