Just Need to Talk

Every Sunday morning I go see Zane after the gym. Sometimes I just stand, sometimes I sit, other times I talk. This time I had a full on conversation. Why. Why are bad things happening to us again? I asked Zane to protect his daddy.

As I was leaving the cemetery this song came on…

Lay Your Worry Down

By Milow and Matt Simons

You fight like hell but you’re barely alive
Work so hard just trying to survive
Head’s under water and your hands are tied, I know
Dream so big eyes are wide
That’s the kinda life that I can’t provide
It breaks my heart how you feel tonight, I know
Lean into me with your back and your mind
Lean into me when you’re broken inside
Ooh lay your worry down
Lay your worry down
Lay your worry down on me
Ooh lay your worry down
Lay your worry down
Lay your worry down on me
On the run but we’re never there
Take no time coming up for air
There’s a deeper feeling that this life’s not fair, I know
Dream so big and feel so small
Fight while you’re sinking like a cannonball
Wonder if it makes any difference at all, I know
Lean into me with your back and your mind
Lean into me no reason to hide
Ooh lay your worry down
Lay your worry down
Lay your worry down on me
Ooh lay your worry down
Lay your worry down
Lay your worry down on me
Lean into me
When the light can’t be found
When everything’s lost
And your heart’s on the ground
Lean into me lay it all down

November…the month we are supposed to give thanks. Believe it or not I still have many things to give thanks for. They’re not like they used to be tho. I’m thankful for my sister who picks up my kids from school and feeds them chili dogs for dinner because it’s one of the dishes I still can’t bear to make. She also makes the kids spaghetti. I can’t make that either. Zane loved those. It hurts my heart to even try to make it. I can’t even tell the kids why. They’ve asked and my answer is “Mimi makes them for you so why do I need to? I don’t want you to get burned out.” 🤣.

I had a dream about Zane but unfortunately he wasn’t in it. In the dream, I was getting ready to take him to the Dr for a check up. Maybe it was the one 6 days before he died, his dermatologist, the last Drs appt he went to. I don’t know. I just remember in the dream saying it was an early appointment and that last one he had WAS early to him, it was at 9 haha. Apparently I dream, Joe tells me I talk in my sleep quite often but I rarely remember anything anymore. I used to remember every dream I had. Now I’m lucky to remember random ones. I just keep waiting for the ones where he comes to me.

Last Thursday Zeagan and I had to take Mia to the vet to get her stitches out of her ear. As we were leaving the house to get into the car Zeagan INSISTED we go in Zane Zane’s car. Trying to explain to an almost 3 year old why I don’t have time to switch the carseat over to the other car and move Mia is like reasoning with a blind/mute cat on drugs. Zeagan held on to Zane’s car until I forced him into mine. Oh the tears. Looks like I’ll be picking him up in Zane Zane’s car soon…..

Driving home Saturday from Lubbock a car had their flashers on. My heart was immediately in my throat. At almost the exact time of day 16 months ago, driving 130 mph to get to the place that would no longer be my home.

One thought on “Just Need to Talk”

  1. Je t’aime Mon Amie. I am so glad that you have this blog to share your stories and feelings. A way to let it all out. And like your title, if you just ever need to talk I’ll always be here for you. You, Joe & Daniel will forever be in my prayers. 💕

    Liked by 1 person

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