Sunday at my usual visit to Zane, I took a drive around the cemetery after I had my talk. I came down the road where the pavilion is that we had the outside ceremony of the funeral service. We had to have it there instead of the burial site because of the heavy rain we had that morning. I sat there for a while and just stared at the distance between the pavilion and where Zane is now. I have no idea how those boys carried him that far. And I know I’ve mentioned it in previous blogs but we realized that the ground wasn’t even bad, high heels were not even sinking in the ground. Makes no sense. We could have had it at the site. The pavilion is where that dog first showed up. He came right up to Joe and I first. Blue eyes. Bright blue and bandana. As we walked to the site I realized I didn’t even know where we were going. I had no idea where he was being buried until that second we stopped.i held my head down crying, hair in my face. That was the only day I actually flat ironed my hair, why I don’t know, because I didn’t care. I can see Zane’s monument perfectly from the pavilion. It stands out from wherever you are. That was our intention. On my trip around the cemetery, I passed way too many I knew. But three in particular that hurt my heart…Tye, Jon David and Alex . All three of these sweet souls died by suicide. Their parents, family and friends are in our shoes. My love is with them.
With my job, I talk. What else do you do for two hours with a client. No, I don’t tell specific details of my life but I do tell them what is going on and vise versa. Last week as the news of Joe’s cancer was still new, I had a few quotes that caught my attention. Marcia and I were chatting as usual and as the cancer subject came up she said it was “.. another treacherous addition to my bullshit.” Perfect. No one could have said it better. Later in the week I had Rhonda in my chair. Unfortunately she had not heard the news yet and as I told her she told ME that I need to “Apply for sainthood.”
Another quote caught my attention…”That day my DNA changed.”. I read this on one of my support groups for suicide. Another mother heard it and reposted it. It explains us most accurately. Our DNA is forever changed. Part of our DNA is buried. Any mother that loses her child in any way at any age, whether she is 39 or 93. Whether she loses her child from suicide, car accident, cancer, cystic fibrosis, SIDS, murder, or some other untimely death…her DNA is forever changed. Zane always had a silly saying about DNA. If he was super thirsty, he would grab one of our drinks and say “oh it’s ok, same DNA!”. To this day we all say it when we take a drink or a bite of each others things.
Thanksgivings is so difficult and different now. My son is gone. It’s kinda hard to be thankful but I am. I still have my family and friends. We now have two beautiful kids. Kai’Dyn and Riot have been a true blessing. While I’m overwhelmed, stressed to the max, pulling my hair out, and getting more wrinkles I love them so so much. Sheila, a wonderful client friend of mine, told me the other day that ever since we’ve had the kids I’ve smiled and laughed a little more. I suppose I have. Zane would be happy. That makes ME happy. Zane always wanted them to be safe. He loved those kids so much.
Kai’Dyn misses him. She’s having trouble with that. The therapist is working on it. When Zane left us, Kai’Dyn and Riot were in Big Spring with their dad for the summer and didn’t come back until right before school started. He didn’t tell them so they didn’t find out until the day he dropped them off. Kai’Dyn never got closure.
For the ones who have all of your family together, bless you. For the ones who do not, I feel you. Bless you too. Much love ❤️.