When Daniel smiles, I see Zane smile.
I miss him so much.
Daniel doesn’t smile very much anymore. He has a sad soul. His soul is sad like his mom’s. But when he does, oh it lights up the sky in the darkest night. A black room turns white. My mood turns completely around. Daniel doesn’t like to talk about his feelings and he refuses help. Losing his brother, his best friend, was anguish, his worst nightmare. Much like mine and Joe’s. But a brothers love is different. They might not have gotten along 100% of the time but they loved each other dearly. Daniel would have taken his life for him. And I know for a fact that he would take his place even though we’ve told him that’s not what was meant to be. Daniel doesn’t understand why as much as we don’t understand why. Daniel is struggling and I’m so scared. I can’t bare losing two children. I don’t know what to do. Telling him to get help is like telling an ant to go over the rock instead of around the rock. Not going to happen.
One of the songs that were on Zane’s service playlist came on the radio. ‘Kryptonite’ by Three Doors Down. I never paid attention that this song came out in 2000. The year he was born. 18 years ago. He was our Kryptonite.
Then ‘With Arms Wide Open’ by Creed started. Also 2000…
Hi Zane 💜
Kai’Dyn’s class is adopting a 12 year old boy so they’re asking for certain things or a few dollars. Mind you, Kai’Dyn and Riot have been through trying times and have seen things children should never have to see. But let me tell you what kind of heart they have… Kai’Dyn was adamant about getting this boy clothes and a football. As many as I could get. Then I looked at the sizes. Good grief. Seriously? 30×32 pants and large shirt. This 12 year old young man is the same exact build and size as my sweet Zane. Tall, slender, and probably has a long torso and wide shoulders because he needs a large shirt. I pretended to go wash a few dishes at the sink so I could cry. She caught me. Funny thing is that Kai’Dyn knew.
Gym talk. I love it. I overheard two ladies and had to interrupt. One was a nurse in the PICU at Covenant in Lubbock. She was explaining the cupping technique when a child is congested. That’s when I butted in…I had the pleasure of talking about Elinda. We would have to do the same thing to her. We also got on the subject of her $25k machine that would ‘beat’ her chest, sides and back while she took a breathing treatment. God, I hope you are loving on her because for the last 8 years I’ve missed her tremendously. Now you have two of mine. Ya think you’ve done enough?
Green Day, oh Green Day. I read an awesome quote that says it all…
“Sometimes it’s not the song that makes you emotional, it’s the people and things that come to your mind when you hear it.”
Years ago, maybe when Zane was about 8 or so he had a friend named Austin (not his Austin friend of today). Austin and his family eventually moved away to another town so they lost touch. Austin was obsessed with Green Day. He would bring his iPod (1st generation 🤣) over to the house and blast his favorite songs. 10 years ago I was not a Green Day fan needless to say. Austin was hard to forget. He had wild curly hair and his family did tile for a living. He loved to critique Joe’s work in the house. But him and Zane were pretty good friends. It broke Zane’s heart when he moved.
Today I officially took Zane’s phone number off of the cell phone account. 16 months later. It took me that long. I just couldn’t do it till now. I cried at Verizon.
Today at Burger King for the kids visitation, the lady behind the counter just had her two young boys dropped off from school. While I was waiting for the kids to tell me what they wanted, she was asking one if he had gotten in trouble at school… because the teacher had already called. I looked at her and said “What did you say his name was?” She said Zane. I told her that’s my son’s name, the one that passed away last year. She knew who I was, she said “Zane Timmons, I knew I recognized you.” I just smiled. I knew I was supposed to be there today.