You Are Everywhere

Zane,

I’ve been thinking about you so much lately. I’ve been seeing your sweet face everywhere. And I mean everywhere. It seems like everything reminds me of you. Is it the holidays? I don’t know. Zeagan turned three, without you. This is his second birthday to not see you. *sigh* Zeagan has now started to call your dad ‘Babe’ sometimes because he hears me say it. I think it’s adorable. You would laugh! It is going to crush your nephew when his Babe has to go back to work next month, he’s been spending so much time with him. Zeagan tells us “I love you so much” and I tell him “I love you a lot lot lot” because that’s what I used to say to you and your brother. I hope he picks it up. I still can’t believe he turned 3 without you. And I don’t know why I’m seeing you so much, but still not dreaming of you. Then again, sleep hasn’t been my friend. I need to dream of you, but I understand. I’ll see you in due time.

Love, Mom

We were driving to Lubbock, stopped at a red light and a grey Challenger passed. Zeagan yells “Who has Zane Zane’s car???” And again this kid… Ironically Zeagan was wearing his purple #flyhighzane t-shirt so it was sweet.

It seems as though lately, not only have I had Zane on my mind,I’ve been seeing a more than usual amount of Challengers. It doesn’t matter what color it is, I stare. I know it’s just the car that reminds me of him but geeze.

The holidays are getting tough. But I’m managing I suppose. I stay super busy so I really do not get a chance to think. Joe is having a few issues with post-surgery so we have been back and forth to the drs more than usual. I have my normal appointments (22 Botox shots for headaches as an example) too plus work and the kids. Not to mention getting things ready for the adoption, visitations and gathering itemized statements for the cancer insurance. Somewhere in there Joe and I find time to feed the monsters. They seem to think they have to eat. Just so you know, the bags under my eyes are now a permanent fixture and go well with my wardrobe. Believe it or not I’m not complaining. Busy is good. Less time to dream. Less time to hope he walks in the door. Less time to try to wake up from this nightmare.

The kids and I were talking about eye color the other day. Riot asked what color his eyes were and I told him blue. Then he looked at me, turned his head a little, looked puzzled and said your eyes are grey!” I know…just like Zane’s. How can I forget, I’m still his mom.

Families are getting family photos. I’m jealous. I can’t fix mine. I can’t make my family photo complete. While it has gotten bigger by two, the one we lost 17 months ago will forever make it gut wrenching to not have him in it.

Since I know I can never have my child back on this Earth, I will not wish for that. But what I can hope for is 2019 will release this black cloud. I will also hope that I can help other parents, and to help anyone who is hurting. Memorize the suicide hotline number, have it handy. Save a life.

1-800-273-TALK

Or text 741741

Zane is everywhere. He is still helping others. Let him help you.

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