Seasons

We all know the holidays are a little (ok ok a lot) ugly when you’ve lost someone you love and they’re not here to celebrate with you. But right what is even more like a stab in the chest is seeing the class of 2019s graduation picture proofs on Facebook. I don’t get to be that proud mom. I don’t get to tell everyone how fast he grew. I don’t get to even see him in a picture like that, ever. My baby didn’t make it that far. He lost his battle with anxiety and depression. And we lost a wonderful child who was growing up to be a phenomenal young man. I can tell you tho how proud we were of him at 16. We didn’t have to wait for graduation to be proud. His mental health stole him from us. It stole that graduation picture. It stole his chair and his turn to walk across the stage. No picture. No chair. No diploma. No tassel. Nothing. Stolen. Screw you anxiety and depression. Screw you suicide.

Family holiday gatherings are bittersweet. I love spending time with the family, our families are close, but it’s so hard to see everyone smile, laugh and just simply be happy. Zane loved Christmas so much. Not because he was bombarded with gifts but because he liked to see everyone together. He also liked spending time with his cousin, Cyrene. He rarely missed a family dinner because he knew she would be there. On his 15th birthday party, she was the only one to get a picture of him smiling while he opened his Samsung smart watch. When we went to Ruidoso the June before he left us, he was stuck to Cyrene. They had a good time and I’m so glad they had those moments. He was her Peter Pan and she was his mermaid ❤️.

We forced ourselves through our second Christmas. Second. No Zane. My second child wasn’t there. No, he wasn’t off at college. Nope, not in the military. He resides at 1498 Avenue H towards the back in Levelland with a beautiful black stone that’s one of a kind to tell his life. He didn’t get to wake up and open presents with his nephew. He didn’t get to be spoiled rotten. I can’t even imagine what I would have gotten him this year. Zane never could decide until last minute. It was usually an electronic device… except 2016…it was the ugly gift. He always told me he didn’t need anything, he had what he needed. The most unselfish young man. We were blessed.

Kai’Dyn and Riot had a wonderful time. This Christmas was much better than last year for them. Seeing them smile was worth pushing through. My mom’s Christmas was cut short since we had to take a detour to the ER. Joe spent two nights in the hospital with tummy issues but was released on Christmas Eve. The kids came home in time to get in bed for Christmas morning. Our house is definitely too small now, their gifts have taken over our space 🤣.

We visited Zane Christmas evening to say Merry Christmas. Not how I imagined to tell my child. The child who should be 18 and only a semester away from graduating high school. I look across the cemetery to see a sea of red, beautiful poinsettias. I’m going to miss them when the season changes. Poinsettias are my favorite, the red pops on Zane’s stone. But my OCD-ness takes over and I’ll have to put new flowers out. I hate that the seasons change. That means the 518 days he’s been gone will only increase.

Five Finger Death Punch

‘When The Seasons Change’
There’s a light in you
That tears me down to nothing
There’s an angel in your eyes
There’s a hope inside
That you can make it better
You see right through my disguise

When it rains it pours
And everybody stumbles
I won’t let them bring you down
I won’t let you down
When the seasons change
I won’t go down
I’ll fight through the pain
I’ll be there right by your side
I’ll never let them bring you down
When the seasons change
There’s a hope in me
That I will die for something
Was the fire in my eyes
All this pain inside
Will it be this way forever
I can run but I can’t hide
When it rains it pours
And everybody stumbles
I won’t let them bring me down
I won’t let you down
When the seasons change
I won’t go down
I’ll fight through the pain
I’ll be there right by your side
I’ll never let them bring you down
When the seasons change
When the seasons change
And we’re in for colder weather
Look for me on the divide
I won’t let you down
When the seasons change
I won’t go down
I’ll fight through the pain
I’ll be there right by your side
I’ll never let them bring you down
I won’t let you down
When the seasons change

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