As I was driving to work Saturday morning, listening to Simple Man on the radio, I had a flashback. Something else I had forgotten about the time after July 26th. I was on highway 114 and just passed the intersection where I would turn to go to my mother-in-law’s house. That’s where I remembered. During all of the funeral events I realized the calipers/brakes on my car were sounding funny. My car at the time was only a year and a half old. No way should they be bad, they’re considered high-performance, racing ones. Kind of expensive to replace. Not what you want to hear after you just lost your baby, especially in the way we did. By this time we were living at my mother-in-law’s house since I refused to step back in my own home. I sent my car to our dealership and our wonderful friend worked his magic with Chrysler. It took a while to get them worked on since they where special order and specific so I had to use my mother-in-law’s car. One day out of the blue I asked where Zane’s car was. Joe told me it was at Andy’s (his brother) house. He figured I didn’t want to see it right now. I told Joe to go get it, I think I want to drive it. I did, drove it to the gym the next morning. I remember my heart pounding but in a good way. This was a huge step for me. I wound up driving his car until mine was fixed. One day after getting back into his car at the gym, the passenger side airbag light came on. I thought it was odd. So I simply said “Hi Zane”. He was there with me.
I needed to make a little room in a kitchen cabinet so I dug into a basket I had tucked away to clean it out. I found a few gems. First I found a bottle of Zane’s medicine from 2005. He was only 4. I have no clue why I kept it. Then I found a tooth box. No date on it. It was a pretty small one so I assume Zane was little bitty. But before I tell you what I found next let me back up to 16 months ago when we moved into the rent house. Things were all over the place, boxes, tubs, clothes, dishes, etc. My fridge at the old house was a fairly large side by side and the new one here is a normal freezer on top and much smaller one so I needed to find a space for my fridge art. There was a few things I treasured more than I did before July 26th because they were in Zane’s handwriting. One was a list of Zane’s friend’s birthdays but he had written ‘Stupid Turkey’ on it randomly in cursive. And the other was a yellow post it note with instructions for ‘How To Make Tea (for Idiots)’. Apparently he had written out the instructions for Daniel and his friends on how to make the tea because it drove him crazy when they drank it all. Hmmm I think he got that trait from his momma 🤗. Well from these two things, I could not find the yellow post it note and it drove me nuts. I thought it had been thrown out. I would mention it constantly that I was still looking for it. Until Saturday night. I pulled out a clippie of my old flower arrangement notes from past birthdays and such and while I was reading them (from Joe, Carmen, and Elinda) low and behold there it was. The note was found. The one I had been looking for. My baby’s Tea For Idiots. Bingo. I laughed and laughed. Joe asked why what was so funny so I walked into the living room and he laughed with me. I walked back into the kitchen and that’s when I completely broke down. Not freaking fair. He’s gone. He can’t make fun of anyone again for not knowing how to simply make tea on the stove. Not freaking fair. He learned how at the age of 10. He loved my tea.
I came across this Bible verse the other day at Hobby Lobby and it struck a nerve…
“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11
Where was his future? Who’s future is this verse talking about? I guess this is why I’m so confused about the Bible now and I have so many questions. Who is it talking to? It obviously wasn’t talking to Zane. He didn’t have any hope. He wasn’t given any hope. But enough of that for now. We all know how that ended and I know no one can answer my questions.
Today Joe and I went to the movies. I wanted to see Instant Family but it was full so we went to see Bumblebee instead. I honestly didn’t want to see it because that’s the type of movie Zane would want to go see but I agreed. He would have loved it. He would have loved the fact that they made a movie about the original comic book Bumblebee as a Volkswagen Beetle, not a Camero. He was very technical about everything and loved the details. It made me sad that I didn’t get to share it with him.
Just when we thought moving into town we would avoid most of the New Year’s Eve fireworks, I was wrong. Poor Mia. We had to rush to give her her anxiety med. Mia was all over the place until it kicked in. Then at midnight, when we were already asleep, we were woke up to a dog freaking out. Thanks. FYI she didn’t do this when Zane was alive. It only started after she heard that awful noise on July 26th.
2018 was the first full calendar year that Zane was not a part of. Forgive me if I’m not excited about the new year. 523 days.