Out of Time

In order to paddle a boat you MUST have an oar. Usually two. July 26, 2017 I dropped both of mine in the water and I’ve been floating in rough water since. What an analogy. I was never good at fishing so the oars are still somewhere out there. Some day I’ll find at least one and get half of my 💩 together. For the sake if my kids I have to. Zane would be so upset with me knowing I’m still this way. But I feel so guilty even laughing. Much less smiling.

Speaking of oars…ok ok not the same oars but kinda 🤣. I came across another song by O.A.R. I looked up the meaning of the song. It was written about a friend who was killed defending a stranger from being harrassed. It’s a tragically beautiful song.

“Miss You All The Time”

By O.A.R.

You know that I don’t like to say goodbye
I didn’t know that we were out of time
I’m sorry that I couldn’t save your life
So I walk, yeah I walk
I go to pick the phone up every day
And imagine conversations we would say
But I’m always hanging up the same way
And I walk, yeah I walk

In the house where the heart don’t cry
Dancing in a silver light
And I’m dreaming of you tonight
I miss you all the time
All the stars are calling out your name
Ever since you went away
There’s no sleeping you off my mind
I miss you all the time
I miss you all the time
I know that you were only passing through
In a moment you were lighting up the room
There will never be another like you
So I walk, yeah I walk
And I try to keep my eyes up on the road
And remember all the stories that you told
But I’m sorry that you’ll never grow old
So I walk, yeah I walk
In the house where the heart don’t cry
You’re dancing in a silver light
And I’m dreaming of you tonight
I miss you all the time
All the stars are calling out your name
Ever since you went away
There’s no sleeping you off my mind
I miss you all the time
Yeah
Oh oh oh oh oh
I miss you all the time
Oh oh oh oh oh
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you all the time
In the house where the heart don’t cry
Dancing in the silver light
And I’m dreaming of you tonight
I miss you all the time
All the stars are calling out your name
Ever since you went away
There’s no sleeping you off my mind
I miss you all the time
I miss you all the time
Yeah, I miss you all the time

There’s no sleeping you off my mind. That’s pretty hard core. And more than true.

I read a post the AFSP reposted on FB by themighty.com. Here is a excerpt…

We don’t see the student with the 4.0 GPA. We don’t see the student who’s active in choir and theater or a member of the National Honor Society. We don’t see the student who takes on leadership roles in a religious youth group. No matter how many times we are reminded that mental illness doesn’t discriminate, we revert back to a narrow idea of how it should manifest, and that is dangerous.

Mental illness doesn’t discriminate. Doesn’t matter who you are. Doesn’t matter what side of the tracks you came from. Neither does grief. Grief doesn’t care if it’s in the morning, noon, night or 5ish pm on a summer evening in July. It will slap the 💩 out of you. And grief is what is at the bottom of that avalanche from the mental health explosion.

Joe, Zeagan and I backed into a parking spot at a restaurant and a twenty something year old guy was walking in. I sighed and grabbed my chest. He had longer shaggy hair, same build as Zane and was wearing a cap. But what made my heart go nuts was when he tugged at his shirt to pull it down over his hips. Zane had such a long torso he constantly did this. He felt like his shirts needed to be longer so he stretched them out. And another reminder he’s not here. Almost 18 months.

If you haven’t heard the song by O.A.R. listen to it. It’s like they wrote it for me about Zane. It was actually written about a friend who was defending a stranger from being harrassed and was killed in the process. Nonetheless, the writer lost someone and wrote a heartfelt song that 100% relates.

…But I’m sorry you’ll never grow old…

#forever16

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