My mom was watching Zeagan for me the other day and when I went to go pick him up there were a pair of jeans lying on the coffee table. I asked who’s they were. She said she didn’t know but thought maybe they were Koii’s. As I grabbed them, before I even saw the tag, I knew. Yuppers, they were Zane’s. Levi’s size 30×32. There was a hole in the back left pocket. I’m assuming Zane brought them to his Memaw to be fixed when he came to mow the yard for her. She must have put them in her sewing room and forgot about them. She was cleaning the other day and found them not knowing who’s they were. Another irony.
A controversial issue…New York. Babies. I can see it both ways but…HUGE but…I wouldn’t have my 21 year old handsome son Daniel who now has given me my daughter-in-law Adrianna AND my grandson Zeagan. I also wouldn’t have had Zane Morgan 16 years, 9 months, 20 days and 12 hours in our lives if I had aborted either one of my precious children. I had two awful pregnancies. The first being the worst, and made me think twice about even having a second child! I had preeclampsia, induced, labored 17 hours, couldn’t get past a 2, blood pressure of 200/90 at the age of 18, emergency C-section, delivered at 36 weeks after not eating for 3 days because of a migraine. Did I give up and abort my child or even think about it? Even when my body wanted to give up and not fight anymore? Hell no. With Zane I found out I had a heart condition. Again, planned C-section but went into labor, tried to stop it, couldn’t, delivered at 36 weeks by C-section, Zane was in NICU for bit because his lungs were not developed, wound up having asthma for the rest of his life, had a hysterectomy 10 months later. Did I ever want to abort? Ever? No. But that was MY choice. I understand women have a choice. But do those babies? I KNOW what the law says…it is for late term abortion to protect the mother’s health or if the fetus is not viable. My health was on the line both times. I would have never considered my child’s life over mine. I had already lived.. it would have been their turn. Again, my choice. To each their own.
I hugged Zane’s headstone for 10 minutes Sunday morning. That’s the only way to ‘feel’ and ‘touch’ him. I put my face to his. The last time I did that was 18 months ago. In a casket. The stone was just as cold.
We have finally moved to a new house, so so much larger. The kids have their own rooms for the first time EVER. Zane would be so happy. There is so much of him in this house it’s crazy. Here are a few details…this house used to belong to TJ, one of his boys. From the age of 10 Zane stayed the night here. So is it strange I feel him? He knows this house. Also, TJ is still here. He will be staying with us until he graduates in May from Levelland (actually from SPC first with his associate’s degree, then highschool). Mia has taken up to TJ, she likes to sleep with him. If we can’t find her, she’s on his bed. Another sign, Cheryl was helping me unpack and as she was leaving she looked down in the garage, turned around and told us to come and look at something. There it was on the ground, a punisher sign. TJ said that happened from a battery acid spill years before. It’s in the perfect shape of the punisher. Cheryl said Zane approves. I have to agree.
When Joe is home and he takes the kids to school, I leave the new house a little later. I go a new route that is easier to get out if town. But…I pass the highschool. I can’t help but think he should be parked for his first class for his last semester of his school days. But he’s not. I shouldn’t torture myself by driving this direction but maybe it’s my own way of healing. I’ve even been IN the highschool, the gym, watching Kai’Dyn practice for a cheer camp. I will be going to a basketball game to watch her perform as well.