Driving on the highway every morning, no one knows I cry. No one knows I stare into the sky. No one knows I hope to feel him that one morning.
As Zeagan and I were pulling up to the cemetery to visit Zane on Sunday, I asked Zeagan if he ever sees Uncle Zane Zane. He said yes. I asked where. He said at your new big house Gigi!! My heart melted. Zane is there. I knew it.
I debated on whether or not to talk about this but hey, it’s my blog. This past Sunday a particular church posted a sermon about the 6th Commandment…Thou Shalt Not Murder. Simple right? Not according to the sermon. There were three parts. The basic murder, suicide, and abortion. Obviously you know which one I’m going to talk about. The main problem I have with suicide being included with the 6th commandment is it being called “self-murder”. What a term. My son self-murdered himself. In many centuries past it has been a common belief that you will go to hell if you commit suicide (just to clarify this was not in the sermon). Churches now, thankfully, are at least teaching that God forgives. But the pastor in this sermon says over and over that suicide is a sin. I get it, Zane sinned. But did he? He was 16. How could a 16 year make that kind of decision on his own without a higher power? He was a child. But according to the pastor he self-murdered. And self-murder is a sin. He threw out Bible verses left and right from books out of the Old Testament that to me changes the context. I am not a scholar. Never will be so I will not pretend to know.
Maybe Zane sinned. Maybe he was a self-murderer. I am thankful for Pastor Amanda and her open mindedness. She does not judge, and she loves. She knows Zane is a child of God and she knows Zane might have been a sinner but a self-murderer? That’s a strong label.
I consulted Pastor Amanda because I wanted to understand things a little better and get her perspective. I now know why she was brought into my life. Here is a small excerpt from a text she sent me…
“I do not think Zane intended to hurt anyone anymore than I meant to hurt anyone my second day in Levelland when I got in a car wreck. But I regretted what happened and I found myself apologizing to the other family, trying to reconcile. Zane didn’t have a chance on this Earth physically to help bring healing after what happened, but I believe he has found hundreds of ways to reconcile, to be there for those he loves since then. Would you call it a sin? I think the only person who has the right to say is Zane. And it shouldn’t matter to the rest of the world.”
This is what I believe because my child has already saved lives by dying July 26, 2017…Zane DIED by suicide. He did not commit suicide. Commit means to sin. Suicide was a result of anxiety. Suicide was a result of depression. Suicide was a result of a broken heart. And for goodness sakes suicide was a result of a brain condition. Last time I checked, he didn’t give all of that to himself.