An Unfinished Life

As you know I pass the highschool some times on the way to work. TJ took Zane’s car Wednesday (he actually takes his car quite often, it’s almost like he’s really there). I looked over to the left and there it was staring at me. Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful in the morning sunshine. Then ‘7 Years’ by Lucas Graham starts to play on the radio. Hi baby. I love you. ❤️ He’s there.

Kryptonite. I’ve said before he’s our kryptonite. He’s now on the dark side of the moon. Or are we? Kryptonite was the first song that came on Pandora when I turned it on at the gym. I always assume it’s Zane so I tell him hi.

While getting my nails done the other day, I was extremely exhausted. I dozed off on my girl. Whoops. Several times. Well, one of the times I woke up in a frenzy, not meaning to fall asleep haha. I had a super short dream. Guess who I saw? Yep, it was him. It was only a split second but my baby boy was in my dream. I can’t even tell you what it was about. I’ll take what I can get. That’s the first time in 7 or 8 months that he has visited me. I miss that sweet face. He had his longer curly hair with his beanie on. Classic Zane. I was meant to remember it.

As we walk or tread through this adoption process I am reminded of so many things. I already knew life was difficult. Dang. I have the utmost respect for any family who pursues adoption. While we have had the best CPS caseworkers on our side, I still feel like we are the ones under fire. All in all I know it’s for the kid’s interest and well-being. It’s been tough. It’s been rough. I have a constant headache. I constantly have something to do or someone to call, contact, a paper to file, or a document to get a copy of. I have seen the inside of a court room more than I have ever wanted and we are not done. I have learned so much about the law and it’s system that I could have gone to law school 😂. But like I said, I love these kids and would lay my life down for them. A little longer and watch out world, you will have two more Timmons running around 🥰.

Yesterday was my usual day to visit Zane. Boy was it cold. 23° to be exact and that was before the temp dropped. I drove around the cemetery after I said my goodbyes. So many unfinished lives. So many young lives cut short. The cemetery is one big oxymoron. It’s beautiful yet beyond sad. I’ll never understand the young lives that never were able to finish their dreams on Earth. My baby boy was just one of many. He was OUR unfinished life.

2 thoughts on “An Unfinished Life”

  1. Back when “the boys” were in middle school, I used to give them rides all the time. It was like whoever got in got in and would be dropped off wherever they needed to go. Isaac was always worried about what Zane thought (Zane was the cool one that we had to be cool around). One of the first few times I was dropping him off at home, he got out of the truck, and me being how I am, started waving like an idiot and telling him “Bye!!! Have a good day!!! See you next time!!!” He just gave me a weird look, kinda smirked and walked off. As we were driving away Isaac said “Really Mom??? He’s not like that.” I thought to myself-He’ll come around. And he did. At first he didn’t even talk. But silence turned into whispering and low talk to the other boys. I was always giving them short life lessons. My captive audience 😂Quick lectures about life and being wholesome and true. I remember one day, I don’t even remember what I was talking about, but I made Zane laugh!!! I remember being sooooo excited about getting a laugh out of that kid💜 I cracked that hard exterior. He had come around 😊 Then one day, I heard a mans voice coming from the back seat and it tripped me out at first. I don’t remember any grown men getting in my truck! I soon realized that new voice was Zane’s and did my best to hide my surprise. This went on for months and every time I heard that deep voice a little smile hit my face. Our boys were becoming men🙂 I’ll never understand why he did what he did that day Carrie. All I know is that he left his mark on this world and in the hearts of everyone who met him. He was such a beautiful person and I am sooooo sorry that he left you way too soon. I am sorry it took me almost two years, but those are my “Zane stories”. I cry as I write this, but I’m hoping this makes you smile. You and your family are constantly in my prayers…….Lots of love, Carrie, lots of love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Christal, I enjoy EVERY Zane story!! Even the ones a mom shouldn’t hear 🤣🤣🤣! If you ever remember any more please tell me! I love them. I saw Isaac not too long ago and almost didn’t recognize him with his long hair. I couldn’t stop hugging him ❤️.

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