The Ones Left

Overwhelming to say the least. This past week has not been kind. A friend from high school, actually all the way back to middle school, died by suicide. While I know what happened, I don’t know specific details on what lead up to it. All I know is, is Jason is gone. Jason took his own life. I’m heartbroken 💔. I talked to him not too long ago at another funeral. He said he hated the way Zane died. He didn’t understand. Jason also lost a daughter, not to suicide, but to an illness. He too hurt from the loss of a child. *sigh*. Now we are the ones left not understanding. Maybe he is healed. Another mom of a young man who took his life two years ago put that on his headstone…healed. These tortured lives. This is where I’m confused and hurt. My God, the one I trust and am supposed to love and worship took another life in a violent way. While Jason lived longer than Zane, it makes not one bit of difference, he left us in a terrible way. They both did. Here’s to you Jason…

Green Day ‘Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)’

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life.”

The boys chose this song for Zane’s playlist. Jason, I’m sorry your life on Earth was stolen but I hope you’re having the time time of your life now ❤️.

Wednesday morning my sweet, crazy, talented, nutty momma had to go to the ER for chest pain and trouble breathing. Well she was admitted for fluid on the heart and lungs (her congestive heart failure is acting up again). Thursday morning at 4:30 I get a phone call that she took a turn for the worst and was being admitted to the ICU and I needed to get there ASAP. Thank goodness TJ was at the house! Joe was at work so TJ was able to stay with the kids and get them to school for me. I rushed to the hospital, met Cheryl (Sissy came a bit later) there and saw a delirious, sleepy, confused, full of iv’s (arterial line in her neck) woman that didn’t know who we were. That wasn’t my momma. They couldn’t get a blood pressure manually so the arterial line had to be placed. It had almost bottomed out at 60/40. Scared the 💩 out of us. All day long the three of us rotated keeping her calm. The next day was better and throughout the next week she improved. Finally was released straight from ICU on Wednesday. Whew.

I read a memory on Facebook about me watching the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower”. Oh my. It was in 2014. Back then I was tremendously worried about Daniel, never imagined Zane. I made the comment on my post about suicide, to talk to people who are suicidal or in a state of…never did I know, ugh.

Zeagan woke up from his nap and started talking about Uncle Zane Zane. So I showed him a video on IG. He watched it over and over. It was the one where Zane was showing him how to ride his four wheeler and fight off Mia at the same time because she wanted to play. I broke down. Koii was watching with us. She too started crying when she saw me cry. I didn’t mean to make her cry.

Laying here listening to the rain pour on the roof Tuesday night with a scared anxiety filled dog in the closet, all I can think about is him. He loved the rain. It rained all night before the funeral. It poured rain the day of the funeral up until about 4 hours before. Elinda loved the rain as well. Now they can enjoy it together ❤️. Sad when you have to medicate a dog to keep her calm because she lost HER person. Dogs are people too. Zane was her person.

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