The Tears Still Flow

At the gym, on the treadmill, watching TV, stupid commercial. Thank you Mayo Clinic. You made me cry. How do you feel about that? Just kidding. But geeze. I wish I had known Zane was sick in order to try to find out answers like the young man in the commercial traveling to the clinic with his dad.

Like most women I tend to change my mind often 😅. The good thing is I am a hairstylist and can change my shampoo and conditioner any time I like. Bad thing is the smell. But the smell is supposed to be the #1 reason it sells right??? Yes, well of course. Except for when the smell reminds you of a certain day. I lathered up with the ‘new’ shampoo that I haven’t used in over a year and a memory popped up. When Zane died, I was using the particular brand. The day after the worst day of my life, we were at my mother-in-law’s and I needed to shower so we could go to the funeral home. It took every bit of what energy I had to even walk to the bathroom. I wanted to vomit with every step. I was in the shower, shampoo in my hair and I lost it. I screamed. I fell in the shower and just sat there. Joe came running in to check on me. For some reason when I used the shampoo, that day came flooding back to me. Or that moment did.

April 4th, another day, another week, another month, another morning right? Not for me. It’s another day without my son. Already so much time has passed and not one bit of pain has lifted, I’ve just learned to live with it and hide it oh so we’ll. So has Joe he just won’t admit it. We both smile and laugh more and it’s genuine, or at least until I look on Facebook and see graduation pictures. Our new kids are happy and healthy. That’s all we could ask for.

It played on the radio again…why do I wear makeup?🤔

‘Tears In Heaven’

Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven

Today while getting my nails done I was asked how many kids I have. I started with two boys, Daniel and Zane. I said Zane had passed away tho, and of course he asked what happened. Story was told then I talked about Kai’Dyn and Riot being adopted. We chatted for about 10 minutes or so then the lady next to me wiggled in the conversation. She was teary eyed. She told me I was an inspiration. While I said thank you and hung my head, it’s hard to feel that way.

3 thoughts on “The Tears Still Flow”

  1. I love reading your posts Carrie and I am so glad you still do them. I wish I had done this when my mother passed away – I am by no means comparing the two losses, but at the time I kept so much in and it destroyed me. I wish I had turned to an outlet like writing. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. Reading your posts helped my finally talk to someone about the depression I have been dealing with for a LONG time. Also, that Clapton tears me up every time – hearing it or just reading the lyrics. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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